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Well it’s instalment number two of the Rochey’s Rant awards and while hip-hop group Public Enemy may have once advised us not to believe the hype, it’s hard not to be impressed by the calibre of this week’s award winners and the buzz surrounding this latest announcement.
But before I mock the most mockable and praise the most praisable, I must thank our great sponsors at New Era Property Development for the magnificent dinner they hosted at The Sands Chinese Restaurant on Friday night. The night was put on by the gang at New Era for the Bundy Red Cup players, wives, girlfriends and family members, as well as the coaching and training staff and all those behind the scenes who work so hard to ensure that we run out on to the field each week.
The company’s owners Wally Freeman, Paul Todd and Jackie Austin attend nearly all of our matches throughout the year and they have provided outstanding support for a number of years now. We mightn’t have had the most successful year but they have stuck by us, and the boys can’t wait to repay the faith out on the field next season.
I’d also like to once again plug our fundraiser night which will be held on Friday night in the Corporate Box overlooking the ground at New Era Stadium. Entry is only $10 and that includes food (thanks to Al Keating) and entertainment. Drinks will be available and it’s looking like being a top night, so as Smally would say: “Get involved!”
Speaking of the Big Bald Behemoth, he took out his third gong in the inaugural Rochey’s Rant Awards …
The teasing others to deflect personal insecurities award goes to … Jamie Small
I know, I know: this award seems a bit harsh but due to the skipper’s habit of good naturedly ‘putting team-mates on show,’ well, he just had to receive some form of acknowledgement. I personally didn’t mind the teasing when it came to my turn to be ridiculed or the victim of an old-fashioned ‘gee-up’, but sensitive types Andrew Dallalana and Donny Thompson were quite ‘forceful’ with their nominations.
The Cyclops Award for biggest one-eyed supporter and most vocal fan goes to … George Kassis
For anyone that has been hiding under a rock, George is the father of the Lebanese Love God, Nick Kassis. George is a passionate bloke and this definitely rubs off on the team. He has narrowly pipped Alfie for this award, which in itself is a massive effort. I’m probably going to receive some hate mail for not giving Alfie the gong. The man himself didn’t appear too happy when I informed him of the likely snubbing; well, that is if his karaoke selection on Thursday night – I hate you so much right now by Kelis – is anything to go by. In the end though, George’s ability to motivate his son so effectively from the sidelines gives him the edge. George is always full of praise for his son. I’ve even heard him compliment Nick for his efforts in the warm-up.
And the most prestigious award of all …
The Number One Supporter of Rochey’s Rant goes to … Henry Vaiotu
A regular at nephews Francis and Louis’ matches over the years, Henry has not only been a great supporter of the Rocheburger on the paddock, but off it as well through his regular following and promotion of the rant. Just when I thought I was losing my touch, Henry (through his online alias ‘Cabra Rocks’) would offer some words of encouragement through an online posting or piece of good humour. He’s even formed his own website: www.jamesrocheforprimeminister.com Included is a full biography or yours truly and links to my facebook group and online work. How he got those pictures of me wearing women’s underwear is anyone’s guess but his support is nonetheless appreciated.
Although he’s not quite as mobile as he once was, Henry is as big a Two Blue fan as you would ever hope to meet and wouldn’t look out of place working as an online promoter for the club.
I know some would be miffed at missing out on an award but we can’t be all winners. I didn’t even get an award! If there was an award for best yellow hat, then I’d be a shoo-in but it just wasn’t meant to be.
On a different note, I’d like to congratulate all our junior sides who have participated in the Parramatta Competition this year. Every year, we manage to field a phenomenal amount of teams in each division. Win, lose or draw, they are always taught to play in the right spirit and if it weren’t for the coaching received at this developing level, Cabramatta wouldn’t be the club it is today nor the tremendous breeding ground it is for NRL talent.
Speaking of talent, our Sydney Cup side certainly has plenty and I’d like to wish them luck in their clash against Mounties on Sunday at 10:30am. To all Two Blues supporters, come out to New Era Stadium and cheer the boys on as they look to take out this inaugural competition. Come on guys: rip in!
I have tentatively announced that will be my last Rochey’s Rant for the year. Thanks to the Fairfield Champion and Cabramatta Leagues Club for their tremendous support of the column and their promotion of Rugby League in general. I’d like to also thank the guys at the New South Wales Rugby League for their promotion of the rant online as well. It’s been a lot of fun and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the experience!
Til next time … same Roche-time. Same Roche-channel. Peace
Well our season has officially come to an end and while we won’t be pouring Gatorade over the coach and carrying on like lunatics come fulltime on Grand Final day (we’ll save that for the trip away) we can at least be satisfied with how we finished our season. Smashing top four side The Entrance was one thing, but backing it up with a comprehensive victory over our traditional bogey side, the Windsor Wolves was even better.
Due to my own recovery from glandular fever, I haven’t been able to enjoy many bevvies with the boys since our last game. Luckily for us, and all you punters out there, the Two Blues Bundy Red Cup side will be holding a fundraiser night on Friday the 10th of September at 7pm in the corporate box above the ground. It was going to be the 11th but now it’s back on the 10th. I know a lot of people would rather it be on a Saturday but a double-booking has meant some last minute changes. Anyway, it’s going to be a great night so come along, bring 10 bucks to get in and enjoy a feed, a few drinks and some awesome entertainment. Seriously, you need to come along – I plan on drinking Chardonnay on our trip away, not XXXX. Only kidding … sorta.
I know we’ve got our team presentation still to come – we’ll review the season and reward the top players - but I thought Rochey’s Rant would get in first with its own set of awards. The nominations have come from within camp and democracy determined the final results. Everyone was consulted (except Smally and Dalla who we decided to exclude) and so I can’t claim responsibility for the selections. NOTE: due to popular demand, the awards will be presented over two weeks.
Anyway, here we go …
The Acropolis Now Tribute Award celebrating ethnic diversity goes to … Daniel Cray
Those outside the inner sanctum might be surprised to read this, especially when you consider we’ve got the likes of Louis and Francis Vaiotu (Samoan), Tongan torpedo Willie Taukafa, the Lebanese Love God Nick Kassis and Pat Fitzgerald (a unique mix of Portugese, Irish and African-American) in the side. But despite his red locks and albino skin, Dan is by far the most ethnically diverse character in our time. With his ghetto clothing style and Middle-Eastern dialect, ‘Napoleon’ should be signed up as an ambassador for the Fairfield area.
The Aerobics Oz-Style Award for greatest public display of athleticism goes to … Jamie Small
‘Smally’ displayed his true leadership qualities as head of the Cabramatta Aerobic and Synchronised swimming team that represented the Two Blues in the NOVA 969 $50, 000 advertising competition. No one took the loss harder than the ‘Big, Bald Behemoth.’ I’m still struggling to comprehend how we didn’t win that. What a joke!
The Keithy George Award for most stylish bald patch goes to … Andrew Dallalana
To suggest that ‘Dal’ is a little self-conscious about his bald-patch would be putting it lightly. While he’s still got a long way to go before he looks like his Shire-buddy Smally, perhaps he could take a leaf out of his skipper’s book and embrace the shiny scalp-look. After all, that’s how Smally came to pick up his second award …
The Uncle Fester Award goes to …. Yep, you guessed it: Jamie Small. Enough said.
The Human Steam Room Award for sweatiest man alive goes to … Corey Ruttle
This one is pretty self-explanatory. From all reports, the big man steps out of the shower and before you can say ‘Shamwow soaks up fluids like nothing else’, he’s already lathered in sweat again and ready for another rinse.
The Greenpeace Enviro Award for energy conservation goes to … Keith Heckenberg
The wily veteran knows his way around a training paddock … and then off that paddock and into the sheds for a rubdown. Old ‘Heck’s conserves energy better than anyone – I don’t think he completed a training session all year – but he always delivered on match day. A worthy winner.
The Wesley Snipes Award for coolest black guy goes to … Mase Laulu Togagae
Just google his name and you’ll see why (Mase, not Wesley – although googling Wesley is a good idea also). This guy is cooler than the other side of the pillow. I once saw him pumping iron, talking on the phone to his manager and signing a kid’s autograph at the same time – all whilst watching Good Will Hunting on the Cabramatta gym TV – and well, that’s just cool.
The Me, Myself and Irene Award for most dramatic case of split personality goes to … Donny Thompson
This one was pretty easy - a model Christian off the paddock and an absolute hothead on it. And do you know what? I bloody love it!
The Linda award goes to … Linda Kitchen
I had to throw Linda in here because she’s whinged all year about not getting a run in the rant despite her tireless work behind the scenes of the Bundy Red side. She also won an award last week for the hardest working volunteer or something. I’m not entirely sure, but when she gets her own column, I’m sure she will explain it.
Stay tuned for next week’s edition where I’ll be unveiling more winners!
Until next time … same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace
It’s taken 19 weeks but I think the team has now discovered the secret to putting together a complete 80 minutes and in regaining its rightful position at the top of the Bundaberg Red Cup ladder: getting James Roche to kiss as many dirty, strange and questionable women as possible - much earlier in the season.
I know it sounds strange, but us footballers are a superstitious lot and if my glandular fever can be linked to such a complete performance as the one displayed over the weekend, then I’m sure the club will be sending out the call to all Cabramatta’s finest sheilas to ensure that the ‘kissing disease’ claims me once again next season.
After watching the boys put more than 50 points on Premiership heavyweights The Entrance Tigers last Saturday, I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that the team might be better served with me simply writing my little column and leading the way in the team bonding sessions instead of being out there on the paddock; that is, if my absence from the weekend’s game is anything to go by.
The boys were just on fire. I know I was supposed to be selling tickets to the meat tray but with some of the tries put on in that second half in particular, it was near impossible to take your eyes off the action.
Despite a number of injuries and our lowly position on the ladder, the Two Blues put in their most complete performance of the season. The older blokes in the team seemed to grow another leg due to the enthusiasm and energy brought to the squad by exciting new prospects Willie Taukafa, Boyd Brown, Jason Thompson and Shaun Vaotuua. I wouldn’t like to run into any of them in a dark alley, and if it came down to the last piece of roast beef at the buffet bar, you’d be sure to let them have it, but they are all humble fella’s with terrific ability and they brought a lot to the squad on Saturday night.
It was the first club game I’ve missed in my entire life and so I was as nervous as hell watching from the sidelines. I needn’t have been. We were the better team for the entire match and thankfully, at the end of the game the scoreboard reflected this.
I guess I’ve had a pretty good run over the years with injuries but this glandular fever sure has knocked me about. It first started with my swollen face. ‘Smally’ was calling me ‘Michelin Man.’ ‘Yatesy’ thought I’d been stung by a horde of wasps. Little kids that had been lining up for my autograph just a week earlier were now running for the hills. I was the Rocky Dennis of the Cabramatta footy club.
I dismissed it as a bit of a virus at first but even when the swelling went down, I remained as white as a ghost. Even when the doctor confirmed my worst fears, I remained in denial. It was only when Corey broke down in front of me after last week’s game against Wenty (apparently I reminded him so much of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia – his favourite film of all time – that he couldn’t contain himself) that I decided enough was enough.
But as they say, you should never take a day off work …
Luckily for me, I have one thing in my favour for next year – the one thing that probably led to my sickness in the first place and the one thing that will undoubtedly prove my saviour - my good looks.
The team may have already proven they’re better off without me on the paddock, but the club also knows the importance of crowd numbers. Money matters and sex most certainly does sell. It is for that reason alone that I’m sure you’ll see me strut out in my fair share of games next season. We might struggle to ever come up with the sort of ‘complete’ performance our loyal fans were treated to on Saturday, but even with me back in the side, I’m still confident that next year will see a lot more wins than losses for the Two Blues. Finals may be out of reach for us this year, but our work for next season begins now. We’ve shown we’ve got the talent. Next year will be the time we choose to share it more often.
That’s me for another week. Until next time … same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace
“It’s such a good vibration
Come one, come on, come on
It’s such a sweet sensation
Feel it, feel it.”
Good Vibrations: there couldn’t have been a more appropriate song playing to describe my feelings. Lying back on the 9:23pm train with three empty Hungry Jacks Burger wrappers beside me, heading for good old Mac Fields with mum’s boom-box over my left shoulder pumping out the Marky Mark classic, life was good. It had been a big day. I was tired and covered in dirt. My bare feet ached. But I couldn’t help but smile. The boys and I had put in a tremendous effort compiling our video entry for NOVA 96.9FM’s For Love and Money Competition earlier that day. Shot and edited by my good friend, internationally acclaimed Director and Literary Genius Boris Ivanoff, Get Fit for NOVA was not only going to take the competition by storm, but it was set to become a youtube phenomenon. Marky Mark AND the Funky Bunch would have both been proud.
Fast forward nearly a week and I am still flabbergasted: not only did we not win the competition, but we have received nothing in recognition of our efforts.
Led by skipper Jamie Small in a sexy one piece and blonde wig, eight of Cabramatta’s finest Bundy Red Cup players hit the streets of Sydney’s CBD to promote NOVA and its morning breakfast show with Merrick, Dools and Ricki Lee. Francis and Louis Vaiotu, Matt Lamb, Nick Kassis and I put together a synchronised swimming routine on dry land that would have made Batman cry – such was its grace and beauty. Smally’s aerobics display was both innovative and interactive, and the Big Bald Behemoth received great support from the whitest man in Australia, Daniel Cray and the most tattooed short man in Australia, Daniel Galati. Aerobics and synchronised swimming: an athletic and artistic display like none other. Throw in some kick-arse tunes, sublime editing and clever NOVA promos (all thanks to Boris’ unique vision) and even Red Symons would have been gushing.
Victoria Lamb was on-hand as security and she did a brilliant job in keeping the thousands of female fans at bay. We were that confident with our entry that her husband Matt had already booked a special Friday night dinner at the Outback Steakhouse to thank her for her role in our victory.
As it turned out, despite our best efforts in firing up the CBD crowd and creating a buzz around the Opera House that not even Pavarotti could manage (not to mention spreading the NOVA brand like no one else had ever done before), we were beaten out by a giant statue/sign thingy.
According to the website: “[Tony] is the man responsible for making a giant Nova Boy made from 500m worth of tape, chicken wire and timber! He then mounted it on a trailer (that stood at over 4.1m), and drove it around the suburbs of Sydney … Tony is a worthy winner as his entry was made with Love. Tony is self employed, and took an entire seven days off work in order to prepare, create and execute his promotional idea. For a man with five kids, this is incredible.”
For a man with five kids, this sounds irresponsible to me!
If I knew that such a simple entry was going to win, I would have enlisted the help of the loser kid across the street that spends all day making model plans and directing one-man puppet shows. I think his name is Conrad.
Ok, so Tony put in a tremendous effort in building the Nova Boy but is his entry really that different from something the NOVA street crew would be doing on a daily basis anyway? Apart from the method of construction, where is the innovation? Yes, I have sour grapes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a point.
Remove the emotion of it all (father of a western Sydney family, mountain of debt, blah blah blah) and the result is clear: we win. Or maybe we come second … Or third. All I can be sure of was that there were better entries that went without. Anyway, check out the site and feel free to leave your own views:
http://www.novafm.com.au/nova969/Video_Rugby-Boys-work-for-Love-and-Money_105413?s=239
Or, if you’re still dirty with NOVA, try the youtube link of our performance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-yHoD32-Vo&feature=player_embedded
Whilst we would have no doubt loved to have won the cash to help with our end of season trip, charity fundraising and the footy club in general, we were equally happy to finally get a win up on the field over the weekend!
We’ve had some close matches with Campbelltown this season and Saturday night at New Era Stadium was no different. In an entertaining clash, we finally prevailed 22-20. It was so good to lead the team song again and the boys should be credited for the way they toughed it out. I was particularly happy for Corey and Yatesy and the hardcore band of friends, family and fans that come out to watch us each week. Rain, hail or shine, win, lose or draw, their support is invaluable and never taken for granted by anyone in the Bundy side.
Before I go, I hope you’ve all had a chance to venture out to Cabramatta Leagues to try the new Chinese Restaurant: The Sands. I’ve had a couple of great feeds there and look forward to making it my regular haunt after training and matches, both this season and in those that follow.
That’s me for another week. Until next time … same Roche-time … same Roche-channel. Peace
“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
It’s taken the genius of Albert Einstein for me to see the light.
In recent weeks, I’ve been trudging about, feeling sorry for myself as the realisation hits home: we won’t be part of semi-final action this year. I’ve tried satisfying the moping monster within via inordinate amounts of the Colonel’s finest but even that hasn’t worked. So I’ve turned to the Colonel’s distant cousin, Mr Einstein for inspiration and Alby has not disappointed.
As some of you may know, I’ve booked a trip to Europe for late September. Two months of booze, babes, booze and babes, with a day-trip planned for the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre (or Loov-ray as we say in Macquarie Fields) – it’s gunna be one hell of a trip. Being Grand Finalists last year and having unwavering confidence in the club and the team we had assembled this year, I naturally figured we’d be lining up for the big one in September and therefore booked the trip for AFTER the Bundy Red Grand Final. Well, we’re sitting in last position (for now) and it looks like our last match is pencilled in for beautiful Windsor on Saturday, the 28th of August. Naturally, we’re all pretty disappointed and it’s been a difficult time for the club, but opportunities have presented themselves. For starters, we’ve given opportunities to up-and-coming players like Freddy Latulipe and Jay Maseuli. We haven’t had many wins this year but we have indeed unearthed some impressive young talent and the opportunities afforded to our local juniors at this level is proof that Cabramatta should always endeavour to field a side in the Bundy Red Cup.
Perhaps the biggest opportunity that has arisen during this difficult time however, is the chance to bring our end of season footy trip forward to September.
No one wants to watch other blokes run around at finals time if their team isn’t involved so what better way to distract ourselves than with a few days away in tropical Cairns? There’s no doubt we’d rather feature in the big one but what’s done is done and we have to look at the positives. I for one can definitely see the advantage of steering clear of a rampaging Hutch Maiava; instead choosing to eat vodka jellies off the tanned, taut naval of a Swedish backpacker who thinks I look like the fair-headed dude from the Supernatural TV series … or something like that!
As our trip was originally pencilled in for November, I was due to miss the time-honoured tradition of the ‘footy trip away’ but our poor season as turned into a positive, at least in regards to my ever expanding social calendar!
Granted, I’d probably be doing the same thing in Europe as I would in Cairns (namely, eating Vodka jellies off the tanned, taut naval of a Swedish backpacker who thinks I look like the fair-headed dude from the Supernatural series); plenty would wonder why I am so thrilled to be able to head on the footy trip. Some might view it as simply an excuse for me to do some more drinking; something my liver could do without. While yes, this weekend trip will provide great drinking practice for the beer-halls of Munich and the thrills of Oktoberfest, it is about much more than that.
Footy trips not only celebrate the efforts of all the boys throughout a long, hard season and provide a chance for players to let their hair down, they also help build morale and team spirit for the following season. Well, that’s what the boys tell their girlfriends and wives anyway!
In all seriousness, the benefits of an end-of-season trip cannot be underestimated. You can’t really appreciate it until you’ve been on one yourself. I can’t wait to corrupt the new breed of virgin travellers (by that I mean those on their first trip away, not actual virgins, although in Daniel Cray’s case, I may be referring to both).
On another positive note, Rochey’s Rant continues to infiltrate the corporate world. It was my ever increasing popularity that led to me being treated to a box-seat at the footy a couple of weeks back and if this is one of the perks of providing a free plug in the rant, then I am all in favour of selling out!
Sadly, being two days before a big match, I wasn’t able to enjoy the full extent of the corporate box facilities, but I did enjoy the company of Mr Rob Nestorovic of Network Fire (annnnnnnd there’s the plug right there) and it was a top night.
I would have loved to have pigged out to the max and enjoyed a few Becks but being a true professional, I kept it to a reasonable 17 light beers and 7 shish-kebabs. Standard really.
That’s me for another week. I hope you’ve learned something. Until next time … same Roche-time … same Roche-channel. Peace
Sunday, July 25th was no ordinary Sunday night. Sure, some things remained the same: Keith Heckenberg went straight home after the game to give his missus a foot-rub. Keith Kerrigan took his kids for their regular Sunday night fishing session down at Cabramatta Creek. Keith Wicks called bingo numbers at the old folks’ home. In fact, for all Keith’s concerned, it was just like any other Sunday night. But for the rest of us, Sunday was big. If the Masterchef finale wasn’t enough to whet one’s appetite, then how about the debate that stopped the nation? And no, I’m not talking about Gillard versus Abbott. I’m talking about a real no-holds-barred debate within the confines of the Cabramatta Leagues Club auditorium: low carb beer versus full carb beer. A showdown to end all showdowns!
Forget climate change, asylum seeker boats and work choices; this issue is far more far reaching. So low-carb beer SOUNDS good in theory, but what about the taste? As I cracked open a bottle of VB in the dressing sheds after the match on the weekend, I couldn’t help but wonder: what if the side had access to full carb beer for the entire year? Each week we’ve had eskies full of Pure Blonde and Hahn Super Dry and where has it got us? Last I heard, we were coming, well, last! The only exception to this extended run of low-carb beer would be the odd week where we’ve been ‘treated’ to Carlton Cold. Hey, if I wanted watered down beer, I’d go drink in the bath tub. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but as NFL super coach Vince Lombardi once said: “When it comes to success, it all starts with the little things. That’s why I drink Budweiser. Ahh, that’s refreshing. Drink Budweiser.” Ok, so he was getting paid to endorse a product in this instance and yeah, I didn’t really need to include the whole quote, but the point remains: it’s the little things - the attention to detail that separates the winners from the losers.
Surprisingly, support of my theory - as well as my general disdain for low-carb beers – was not universal. A few guys actually quite enjoy a Pure Blonde or two after the game. I shouldn’t have really been surprised. Drinking low carb beers has become quite trendy, so of course the likes of Louis Vaiotu and Daniel Galati have jumped on board. These youngsters wouldn’t know the first thing about beer quality; they’re just interested in looking cool and conforming to this new wave of ‘Athletic alco chic’ pervading society at present. Galati, or Sorbet as he is commonly known, seems to think that drinking low carb beer has contributed to his dynamic on-field displays in recent weeks and his ability to pound through the 80 minutes whilst barely raising a sweat. It wouldn’t have anything to do with all extra training you do, would it mate? It was only on Thursday night that I caught our young rake running along the Hume Highway after training, dropping down and performing push-ups at every light post. For someone of that fitness-level, I hardly think a small difference in carbohydrate intake would make such a difference. If anything, the kid needs to join ‘Ox’ and learn a thing or two about carbo ‘OVER-loading.’
The biggest supporter of low-carb beer in the team however, turned out to be Chris Weaver!
Now, I’ve always viewed big ‘Weaves’ as a real man’s man but he must have overdosed on his beloved Cottees ice magic because I can’t see how a man with his experience and wisdom could possibly advocate the watered down, dull taste of low carb beer. Pure Blonde? More Like ‘Pure Bland.’ Hardy har har. I’m here all week ladies and gentleman. Don’t forget to try the veal!
I should have sensed a shift in his perspective a fortnight ago during our weekly coffee catch-up. The big man not only ordered a caramel latte but he proceeded to sip away at it with his pinky pointing skyward! Perhaps more disturbing was the following rationale put forward by our burly prop: “Living out at Macquarie Links now, you get down to Simmo’s Beach a fair bit and there are a lot of good bodies down there. At the moment, I'm not one of them, so low carb beer is the way to go.” I’m not sure if he’s got shares in the brand or not but I found his comments quite ludicrous, especially as he was on to his seventh sausage roll at the time.
It just goes to show that if someone like Weaves can be persuaded to shift allegiances from regular beer to low-carb beer, then we are all at risk. Don’t people realise that apart from the distinct difference in taste, there’s actually very little difference in total calories? Leading dietician Philma Groyne of the Dietician’s Association recently said that the popularity of low carb beer is more a victory of marketing over science and I have to agree. Next thing you know, ALL blokes will be drinking this low carb crap, not to mention wearing skinny leg jeans and using GHDs to curl their hair (kinda like Andrew Hill does anyway).
With our finals hopes now seemingly dashed for the year, I am focussing on reclaiming this lost sense of masculinity and encouraging us all to pick taste over labelling when it comes to beer drinking. But always remember: drink responsibly.
Anyway, that’s me for another week. I’m off to get my weekly manicure. All this typing is doing my fingers and nails no favours at all. Until next week … same Roche-time … same Roche-channel. Peace
After my suggestion to screen ‘Champions’ (Might Ducks Part One) led to a comprehensive victory over Mounties last week, you’d think the obvious step to take before our big match-up with the Bulls would be to simply screen the sequel, ‘D2.’ After all, if the first film in the franchise fired up the troops, imagine what sort of impact the introduction of the Bash Brothers, Luis Mendoza and the ‘knuckle-puck’ guy would have? Not to mention Gordon Bombay’s realisation that Iceland is warm and green, whereas Greenland is cold and snowy!
In fact, it would have almost been unfair on the Bulls if we’d seen the film on Thursday night. But that’s not why I chose not to screen it. I just thought I had something even more inspirational: a DVD of me and good friend Dane Barringer jumping out of a plane. I know, I know … seemed like a great decision right? Well, it certainly raised the hairs on the back of my neck, but it didn’t have the same effect on my team-mates. After our 36-20 loss on the weekend, it’s fair to say that I made the wrong choice. I’ll never doubt the power of the ducks again.
I don’t know what’s worse: knowing that our season is slowly slipping away after another tough loss or having the vital two points go to our fierce rivals, the Bankstown City Bulls. Actually, I think the worst part about Sunday’s game was having Trent Trotter licking the side of my face every time he tackled me. A former Two Blue, ‘T2’ is definitely one strange character. Now I won’t go into what was whispered in my ear after each licking but let me just say this: I never knew the little fella felt that way about me. I suppose the fish-net vests he used to wear to our post-match functions should have given away the fact that he is one ‘strange’ individual.
On a positive note, Sunday’s game saw the debut of Donny’s younger brother, Jason Thompson.
Young ‘Thommo’ has only got better as the season has gone on and it was good to see him get his chance, albeit as a result of ‘Patty’s’ late withdrawal. Jason’s effort was made all the more remarkable when you consider that he had not only played nearly a full match for our Sydney Cup side, but that he had spent all morning working out to the complete season 23 of Aerobics Oz Style. You see, ‘Thommo’ is no ordinary weekend warrior when it comes to busting a move on the mat. The boy from Mac Fields is actually finalising his preparations for the 90kgs-and-above category of the World Aerobics Championships to be held in Stockholm, Sweden. The event will take place in October and since sponsorship for the sport is nearly non-existent, Jason has been forced raise funds on his own. ‘Weaves’ and I were shocked to see the big fella busking outside Gloria Jeans at Ingleburn last Saturday with an acoustic guitar and fake wig. I guess you gotta’ do what ya gotta’ do sometimes.
I’m normally reluctant to just throw away my hard earned money on talentless buskers but I have to admit, Jase was pretty good. After performing Human Nature’s 1996 hit Telling Everybody three times in a row at my request, I had no hesitation in throwing him a few dollars. Well, one dollar actually, but that was double what he had earned so far that day and I just know that he appreciated the gesture.
Few would be aware of Jason’s passion for competitive aerobics as he is a quiet and laidback sort of fellow, but beneath that calm exterior lies a lean, mean, Charleston-stepping, Flamingo-stamping, Helicopter-twisting aerobic machine! Yeah, that’s right: I was using real aerobics terms there. I know what you’re thinking: either the Rocheburger has interviewed young Jason about the sport and learned a little bit about it or he is quite the aerobics-iser himself. Or he has simply googled ‘Aerobic terms’ in the internet machine. Actually, it’s a little more complex. My tale is one of heartbreak and Shakespearean tragedy.
I was in my late teens when I first met Kylie. She was blonde, beautiful, baked a mean quiche and was very, very fit. Kylie was an Australian aerobics champion and we hit it off straight away. That was until the night I was caught cheating.
We were renting an apartment in Marrickville and Kylie had returned early from her part-time job at Boost Juice. She opened the front door and caught me and another woman in the ‘down dog’ position. There was nothing sexual about it, but I was performing a common yoga move with another woman behind her back. I promised I’d be faithful to the sport of aerobics and I had reneged on that promise. That was it. One silly mistake and it was all over.
I only wish the Two Blues would learn from their mistakes as quickly as I did after that experience. It was like Groundhog Day on the weekend as each mistake was replicated over and over again. Effort and application are two different things. Unfortunately, we have taken far too long to realise it this season.
But with a new week comes a new opportunity, so come out and cheer us on again this weekend when we take on the Mounties lads: Sunday, New Era Stadium, 3pm. Be there!
That’s me for another week. Until next time … same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
Recognise the line? You should. It’s from possibly the greatest film ever made.
After weeks of bombarding the suggestion box with notes on how we could start winning again, I finally feel vindicated. Maybe it was the glitter pen I used when writing the note that caught Corey’s attention or the 3am “friendly reminder phone calls.” Maybe you could trace things back to the day I decided we should have a suggestion box. I’m not too sure, but at long last the coach took my advice and gathered the team on Friday night for a team viewing of “Champions,” aka the first Mighty Ducks film.
While the general purpose of the viewing was to inspire camaraderie and belief amongst the lads, I have to say, the line in question from cinema’s finest bad guy, Coach Reilly, must have been taken literally by all the boys if Sunday’s thumping victory over cross-town rivals Mounties was anything to go by. Francis was chief destroyer, putting in a performance that would have done the film’s main character Charlie proud. Patty and Smally were like the bash brothers. The only thing separating Coach Bombay and Corey was about 50kgs and a bucket of sweat, but apart from that, their characters were as alike as could be. And I was like Aberman: not contributing much on the field but great comedic value on the sidelines and off the pitch.
We all know that a week’s a long time in footy so what exactly constitutes ‘form?’ Being a man of the ‘ADD generation,’ I thought I’d ask the internet to do all my work for me.
www.thefreedictionary.com provides about a thousand definitions of the word ‘form’ and not surprisingly, several of them applied directly to the weekend’s game.
1. Form, as in “physical or mental condition” – both the brain and the body seemed to be working in unison on Sunday as everything we touched turned to gold.
2. “The particular mode, appearance, etc. in which a thing or person manifests itself” –take our barnstorming utility Cameron Collenette. The big man was desperate to get off the ‘nudey run’ by scoring his first meat pie of the year and that desperation was etched across his face as he scrambled away from the defence to score. With head tilting back and legs pumping faster than his body would take him, it was clear that Cam had taken the form of Fred Flinstone when heading for the tryline.
3. “Method of arrangement or manner of coordinating elements in literary or musical composition or in organized discourse” – this relates more to our post-match celebration, which took the form of a rousing victory song led by yours truly. I’m not one to normally toot my own horn but it probably would have rated in most experts’ top five victory song celebrations of all time.
In fact, pretty much all of the definitions related in some way to our win which I guess is a good sign but there were a couple of mentions on the site that had me questioning whether we were quite there yet. Firstly: form as “The design, structure, or pattern of a work of art” – I had the privilege, or more accurately, one would say ‘the misfortune’ of seeing Hecks bend over to scrub his toes in the shower after the match and I tell you what, an oil painting he is not; so that one’s no good. Secondly, this definition was provided: “Proven ability to perform.” I suppose the key word here is ‘proven.’ I know I said the key word was ‘form’ but, wow, now I’m just confusing myself. But to put it simply, form is something that has been established in the past. So then, have we shown enough to suggest that we are now in good form? I guess time will tell but judging from some of the tries we scored on the weekend, I’d say that we are well and truly on our way to finding some decent form and consistency after underachieving so far this season. We still have a lot to prove but Sunday was the first step to realising our potential and I know the boys are far from finished yet. While other teams may have peaked or experienced a slide in recent weeks, I know that we are only going to improve.
Sunday’s victory really capped off a great weekend for this columnist. First of all, the Tigers got up on Friday night against the Titans. Then, on Saturday night I experienced one of the most satisfying moments of my life when I captained Coitus Interruptus to a stirring victory in the Cabramatta Trivia Night. Well done to the team of Cameron Kemp, Alex Carter, Peter Neasy, Paul Kilby, Matt Lamb, Daniel Galati and his friend Dave for their efforts on the night. My strategy of employing as few footy players in my team as possible worked wonders in the end. Congratulations also to the club for their efforts in making the night possible.
A lady that doesn’t always receive the recognition she deserves for her efforts but does a lot to contribute to the club and its website is Melynda Poll. Melynda has worked tirelessly in uploading the player profiles for this season and I recommend that you all check out the link on the Cabra website:
http://www.cabramattarlc.com.au/page/player_profiles.html
I’d like to thank James Robertson and Phil Sharpe for contributing photographs to the site. Both men have unquestionable talent behind the lens and I can only hope that they keep providing lasting memories of our clashes, long after they are made famous by the quality of their work.
A quick shout out also to Dalla and his lovely wife Hayley on the birth of their beautiful daughter Indie May Dallalana on Friday. Both mum and bub are reportedly going great guns and judging from our halfback’s performance on Sunday, fatherhood is treating Dalla well.
That’s me for another week. I’m off to visit the video store. Turns out that our Mighty Ducks viewing not only inspired me out on the field, but also reminded me of why I love Emilio Estevez so much and why I devoted a facebook group in his honour. An Emilio marathon awaits! Until next time … same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
I believe it was the great Hollywood philosopher Joan Rivers that once said: “Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.” After another loss, it’s fair to say we are looking at any means of finding joy at the moment, and while plastic surgery wouldn’t rate highly on our list of options, for a few of us sporting broken noses, it may very well be the only option. It’s just a shame that we aren’t winning enough matches to pay for the damage!
Breaking one’s nose out on the footy field is nothing new, but for it to happen to three players in the one match is a little out of the ordinary. Cam was the first to go down early in the game and judging from his ‘Grug-like’ appearance shortly after the collision, I don’t think he’ll be trawling the dancefloor of the Brooklyn Hotel looking for sheilas anytime soon.
Smally broke his beak later in the match whilst attempting a trademark big hit and it did not look pretty. Luckily for him, BBB is already married so I’m guessing he’s not too concerned with his appearance. It certainly seems that way every time I’ve gone out with him on the drink recently (I mean seriously, when was the last time anyone wore a Penguin shirt to a nightclub?).
Our skipper bravely battled on, as did Daniel Cray who whacked his nose late in the game. Our fullback was in a fair bit of pain and when you consider that he only recently rejoined the single scene (and the fact he has red hair), the last thing you’d think ‘Sheamus’ would need is a smashed-up snoz. Or so I thought. Turns out I’m wrong. You see, the thing ‘Napoleon’ does have in his favour with the ladies, other than an impressive number of nicknames, is his ability with pen in hand.
‘Axl’ has recently turned his hand to romance novels in a bid to reveal his more tender side and the results have been outstanding. He is still in discussions with a number of publishers at present but if his facebook offerings are any indication, good old ‘DC’ has a long and promising career ahead of him. Take for instance, this brief poem posted earlier this week on Dan’s page:
When I saw you I was afraid to meet you.
When I met you I was afraid to kiss you.
When I kissed you I was afraid to love you.
Now that I love you, I am afraid to lose you
Wow. Emotional stuff that!
Now I’m not sure if our token red-head stole this from someone else’s page or not but it seems like the ladies have really taken a shine to this modern day Romeo - so much so that he has now earned the rather imaginative nickname of um, er, ‘Romeo’ to add to his collection.
Regular team stud muffins, the Lebanese Love God Nick Kassis, Josh McIlvenny and I could only watch in awe as the Campbelltown Eagles cheerleaders almost came to blows with Daniel’s own personal cheerleading squad, ‘The blood lusts’ in a bid for his affections post-match.
The Lebanese Love God is obviously feeling the pressure and in an attempt to reassert himself as the team’s number one lothario, has also used facebook to reveal a more complex side of his character. Well at least he has tried to …
Inspired by the great works of Plato and Socrates, LLG has released his own series: Nick’s Theory of Life. Some of his gems include:
NICKS THEORY OF LIFE #22 - “You try really hard not to think about something, but it only makes it the only thing on your mind.” Mmmm, profound stuff, but it gets better…
NICKS THEORY OF LIFE #24 - “Your conscious is very powerful and will always beat you. You try to ignore it but it’s way too strong.”
I’m guessing Nick means ‘conscience’ in this instance but even so, I disagree. My conscience tells me that I shouldn’t be making fun of a team-mate and good friend, particularly in a public forum. But I am ignoring it, quite happily I might add!
Perhaps I’m being a little harsh in singling out Nick. After all, it seems that just about every man and his dog consider themselves a ‘facebook philosophiser.’ That in itself is a topic for a future rant.
Oh yeah, and we lost 28-20 over the weekend. Enough said really.
Until next time. Same Roche-time … same Roche-channel. Peace
In the high pressure world of competitive sport, it’s vital that its stars maintain other interests outside their regular field of excellence. Men and women competing at the highest level need a chance to just get away and unwind. Michael Jordan liked to play golf. Tiger Woods liked to sleep with beautiful women. And as reluctant as I am to place myself in such elite company, I like to get away from it all with an episode or two of hit TV show Entourage.
Saturday: another loss
Sunday night: Entourage Season 7 aired in the US. Thank you internet!
At least I was able to take something positive from the weekend. This show is good. And by good, I mean incredibly awesome. Entourage rocks. If you haven’t tuned in by now then you most definitely suck. Ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh but I’m just trying to divert for as long as possible from the weekend’s result.
Ok, so I guess I am due to talk about our match. It’s something I’ve tried to avoid lately, I must admit.
There’s no doubt we were all out there doing our best on Saturday against reigning Premier Wenty but our execution continues to let us down worse than a Dane Cook-Jennifer Lopez rom-com (if you don’t know who Dane Cook is, google him – then punch yourself in the groin for googling such a terrible actor and comedian).
My Dane Cook-hatred aside, Saturday’s scoreline of 36-16 just wasn’t good enough. While we certainly gave ourselves the opportunity to win the match (narrowing our opponent’s lead to just eight points on two occasions), the final result left us more embarrassed than the Predator when he realised he’d been outsmarted by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately for us, we didn’t have Austria’s finest beefcake in any of our team meetings during the week and so there was no Confucius-like offerings put forward. One can only assume that our chances of winning would have increased ten-fold if someone had simply uttered the immortal words of Mr Schwarzenegger: “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”
The realisation that we were tackling mere mortals seemed lost on us in the opening quarter as the Magpies jumped out to an 18 nil lead. Former Cabra-Wenty-Cabra player Aaron Fluke sinking a couple of sideline conversions in that first half just rubbed salt into our wounds. I’ll tell ya what: ‘Flukey’ may look like the result of drunken one night stand involving KD Lang and ‘Hank’ from Me, Myself and Irene, but the kid can really bang them between the posts.
One again, a dreadful start had us chasing our tail and we ran out of steam in the final ten minutes.
A loss like that – along with the realisation we’re now dead-last on the ladder – certainly leads to a lot of soul searching from both the players and coaching staff. Often, the solution is a lot simpler than you realise. When things aren’t going your way, all the experts would agree: you just need to work harder.
But I didn’t get my own award-winning column from marching to the same drum as everyone else. Forget hard work. Let’s just change the rules.
As I’m sure you’ve all heard, the NRL is considering the most dramatic overhaul of the code in a generation, with a bold plan to cut match times to just 60 minutes to avoid player burnout.
I think the idea is a great one, not so much due to the issue of player burn-out, but the fact that our first 20 minutes has been abysmal in nearly every match this year. If we simply cut 20 minutes off the game (preferably the first 20), then I’m sure we’d be in the top five by now.
But do you know what? I’d go even further and adopt a system similar to that adopted by cricketing bodies across the world – Twenty-20 action.
There’s no doubt that if we cut the match into two lots of 20 minutes (or at least got to select two x 20 minute periods from the 80minute match), our position on the ladder would be a whole lot different.
Sadly, revolutionary thinkers are rarely acknowledged in the sporting world and so I think my ideas will receive little air-time. Looks like the Two Blues will have to just keep working hard and hanging tough - which doesn’t bother us at all - there’s still a lot of footy to be played this season and we have definitely got the team to turn it all around.
In the meantime, at least I have Entourage to lift my spirits. Oh, and Arnie films. Unlike the Predator, we’re far from dead. And while his alien brethren may have had to wait 25 years for a shot at redemption in the sequel (I refuse to acknowledge Predator 2 featuring Danny Glover) to be released this year, we only have to wait until next week. That’s the beauty of sport. There’s always next week - another week, another opportunity.
Speaking of which, that’s me for another week. Until next time … same Roche-time … same Roche-channel. Peace.
“For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been.'” These words, taken from the literary works of American poet John Greenleaf Whittier could very well be used to describe our match on the weekend against The Entrance – a 26-20 loss made no less palatable by the tremendous effort put in by all the boys. Unfortunately, effort doesn’t always equal results and despite the fact that we came back from 16 nil down in the opening quarter to almost steal the match, at the end of the day, we were still left without the two competition points: what might have been? Oddly enough though, Whittier’s profound insight into the human psyche probably held more relevance to yours truly in relation to an incident that occurred on Friday evening, as opposed to Saturday’s match.
I was at Revesby Workers for the 21st birthday of Cabramatta’s favourite twins, Matt and Josh Casey when I was almost knocked off my feet by an image of incredible grace and beauty. As the young lady approached me, everything seemed to present itself in slow motion. As she effortlessly glided towards the dancefloor, all I could hear in my head was Sinead O’Connor’s classic power ballad, Nothing Compares to You.
To set the scene a little, let’s rewind. By 9pm, the dancefloor was my domain. I had dazzled all and sundry with an array of pelvic thrusts and Shakira-like hip-shakes. Just as the crowd started clapping, I decided to step things up a notch, incorporating the tried-and-tested “shopping cart” side by side with my signature move: “The broomstick.” If one thing has become clear to me in my life so far, it’s this: if people aren’t persuaded by the gibber that dribbles forth from my mouth, then they will surely be mesmerized by the words of my dancing feet. At least, that was until I saw HER.
My legs turned to jelly as I found myself locking eyes with the most gorgeous woman in the room. My heart was pumping uncontrollably as she put out her hand. It had been a long time since I had felt this way and so I definitely wanted to seize the moment. I put out my hand in return when BOOM! Out of nowhere came Josh and Matt’s grandmother with a hip-and-shoulder that would have made Mal Meninga proud, knocking my sweet rose to the ground. The wily veteran had eliminated the competition and freed up the dancefloor for us to share in a waltz of our own. This was not the Last Tango in Paris moment I had envisioned just seconds earlier but there was something about the steely glaze that Gran gave me that was oddly alluring.
Just when it looked like a cat-fight of epic proportions was to ensue, in came Jason Gray to save the day. Turns out the lady that had succeeded in winning my heart was Jason’s mum! While he was more than happy to water down the fire, he certainly wasn’t happy with me for igniting the flame!
Apparently, Mrs Gray is a huge fan of Rochey’s Rant and just wanted to say hi. While disappointed that such a striking lady was now ‘out of bounds,’ I’ll always have the thought in the back of my head: “It might have been.”
So what do we do when we fall off the horse? We jump back on and hunt for more girls. Unfortunately for me, it seemed that young Josh Casey had a mortgage on all the single girls there. Ok, so it was his birthday party, but when did the exclusive use of one-syllable words and not having a job become such an aphrodisiac for the young spunkrats of today? I guess I’m just getting old.
One thing that will never get old is the timeless tradition of the end-of-season nudie run.
Despite the tremendous disappointment felt by our skipper Jamie Small after Saturday’s loss, there’s no doubt that there was still an element of relief for the Big, Bald Behemoth after he managed to cross the line for the first time this season. Smally’s try had the boys pretty pumped – not so much because it gave us a real sniff in the match, but because we were now safe in the knowledge that we would be spared the inglorious sight of Jamie’s stick-and-berries dangling in the September breeze come Mad Monday.
Another sight that we will be without come Mad Monday is Cabramatta’s very own Mr Ko’s Restaurant. Boasting some of the finest Chinese you’ll find this side of the Harbour Bridge (the one in Sydney Harbour, not the Warwick Farm replica), Mr Ko’s has become a real institution. Sadly, they’ll be leaving the Leagues Club next month. Let’s hope the club’s next tender can fill the void left by this great restaurant – the standard has most certainly been set.
Speaking of Mr Ko’s, I’d just like to send a huge thank you to Zamtech for their generous contribution towards our meals at the restaurant on Thursday after training. For over 10 years, Zamtech Truck Service has specialised in providing a complete range of quality expert maintenance and repairs on your fleet of Light and Heavy Trucks, Buses and Government vehicles. Just ask them! http://www.zamtech.com.au
You know that when the club’s army of Polynesian boys leave the restaurant with big smiles and full stomachs, the donation was definitely a large one. Thanks also to Paul Matthews for organizing the sponsorship arrangement. Paul might drop more ‘f-bombs’ than Tony Montana, but the big fella cares a lot about his players and the club. Good on ya mate!
That’s me for this week. Until next time, same Roche-time … same Roche-channel. Peace.
“Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and the beholder.” I always thought Pommie writer Aldous Huxley was right on the money with this gem, but after Saturday night, I think I’ve found something worse than beauty AND wine, and that’s the perception of beauty CREATED by wine.
Ok, so my insights aren’t entirely original but judging by the above-average number of below-average (or so I am told) women following me through the Cross on Saturday night, I think it’s time I paid greater attention to the number of wines (and other beverages) that I consume after a loss. Sure, the nature of our defeat to Windsor would drive even the most ardent teetotaller to drown his sorrows, but I overindulged to the point that even Bronwyn Bishop would have had half a chance with me. Granted, she would’ve had to have made her move in the darkest corner of the nightclub and only after buying me at least a strawberry daiquiri or two, but the fact remains: alcohol is not always the answer.
I know what you’re all thinking: didn’t this guy say just a few weeks ago in this very column that he was trying to avoid the Golden Mile? Well, I have managed to steer well clear of the devil’s playground for a number of weeks now, but I believe I am entitled to be excused this week. After all, I was at swanky nightspot The Club for a birthday. Whose birthday I was there for, I’m not really sure (a friend of a friend of a friend’s acquaintance from memory), but I managed to sneak my way in to the joint and I’ve gotta say: I was pretty impressed. Within no time at all, I had been ushered from the dance floor to an exclusive VIP area surrounded by celebrities, champagne and caviar. Talk about service! Now I know Rochey’s Rant has taken the city by storm, but this was the kind of treatment I thought was only reserved for the likes of Snoop Dogg, Lindsay Lohan and perhaps even John Stamos. Unfortunately, my time in the sun came to a premature end when I was ceremoniously ejected from the area. This was no fault of my own – apparently they had confused me for Hollywood heart-throb Paul Walker – but it still capped off a forgettable night.
Our centre ‘Chappo’ had even worse luck on the other side of town at 2Day FM jock Kyle Sandiland’s birthday party. Everyone knows that ‘Chap stick’ fancies himself as a bit of an ‘A-lister’ but after his hissy-fit on Saturday night, it’s safe to say that he might find it difficult to gain entry into such exclusive shindigs in the future. Trusted sources tell me our wiry centre created quite the scene when told the bar had run out of cranberry juice. Being a Vodka and Cranberry man from way back, ‘Chap’ became livid and if it had not been for the presence of the Lebanese Love God (who was taking a rare break from his adoring female fans), things could have really spiralled out of control.
Scenes like this always seem to occur when a team is struggling on the field, and the news comes hot on the heels of unconfirmed reports that winger Josh McIlvenny was engaged in a heated altercation a couple of weeks ago in the city.
I’m reliably informed that “Mclovin’” almost came to blows with celebrity Verne Troyer (“Mini-me” from the Austin Powers film franchise) after the pocket dynamo took exception to the head-geared hero’s provocative dancing towards Troyer’s pint-sized girlfriend. The legitimacy of these reports deserves greater scrutiny but the club certainly doesn’t need such negative publicity in light of our current position on the ladder.
One man who certainly does deserve greater scrutiny is Adam Bennett. And once again, not for the right reasons!
Celebrating his birthday with a few friends on Sunday afternoon in The Rocks, ‘Benno’s’ performance was disgraceful. Not only was he wearing the most hideous get-up imaginable, but our nuggety rake was caught pouring beers into a pot-plant when the pace became a little too much for him. Now that is just un-Australian! He’d obviously had enough at this point though: he tried to convince us all he weighed only 91 kilos! Yeah right Benno; maybe with your gut on the towel rack champ! The Rosie O’Donnell look-alike he was sleazing on obviously saw right through him – she couldn’t have got away from him quickly enough!
I was going to devote some time dissecting the Aussies’ opening World Cup Soccer match but to be honest I’m just too upset at the moment; perhaps next week, after the Socceroos (and the Two Blues) have managed to redeem themselves!
That’s me for another week. Until next time … same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
“May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire.”
I was reminded of this Irish blessing over the weekend by my Grandmother who happened to be visiting me at the time. Gran was trying to put a positive spin on our washed out game by recalling this lovely saying from her youth as we bunkered down to enjoy a game of scrabble together. Her lovely words really struck a chord with me and it was a shame she couldn’t stick to the spirit of the message herself: a dispute over the validity of foreign language words leading to the “tea beside the fire” suddenly finding itself splashed across my face. I guess that’s what you get when you mix a footy-deprived Grandmother with a little too much Sherry on a Saturday afternoon.
Unfortunately, the footy field at Mount Pritchard doesn’t have a wall or a roof to withstand the elements and after a fortnight of rain, it probably came as no surprise to see the match postponed.
I hate missing footy and it’s hard not to feel a little lost on a weekend off, but as Cheech and Cong used to say: “After every storm comes a rainbow. Sometimes with a magical unicorn.” I’m not sure about the unicorn, but the message is clear: there’s always a positive to come out of every situation.
Personally, I had been struggling with the flu all week and come Sunday morning I was feeling as seedy as a Quakers Hill pub. Sure, I may have had one too many Dr Peppers the night before, but the fact remains, I probably wasn’t in the best shape to take on fierce rivals Mounties in any case.
From the team’s point of view however, it was really disappointing to see Mother Nature run away with the two points over the weekend. Whilst our cross-town rivals would have provided stiff opposition, it was a great chance for us to extend our winning streak and push for a top five position. The week off certainly helps players to deal with those niggling injuries that seem to hit at this time of the year but I felt like we were finally starting to build some momentum. On a positive note, our opposition for this week’s match, the Windsor Wolves also had their match washed out and so neither team will have the benefit of a week’s extra footy under their belt.
The Wolves gave us a real touch-up in our last clash and we are definitely keen to turn the tables on the Premiership heavyweights. One aspect I am not particularly looking forward to though is the bloody weather out west!
I remember a few years ago, I was part of a 17 forced to take on the Windsor lads in the middle of winter on their home turf. Talk about cold! I must have done about 1,000 push-ups on the sidelines that night to keep warm. Sure, I may have had pecs that would have put the Chesty Bond guy to shame, but nothing seemed to work. It just got colder and colder. Not even my specially designed Astro Boy thermals did me any good. It was a real nightmare. Legend has it that our boys were actually drinking cocktails of hot cocoa and rum out of drink bottles during breaks out in the middle. Unfortunately, I remained an unused interchange that night, so I can’t confirm nor deny those rumours, but it would not have surprised me at all.
We ended up losing the match by two and it was one long trip home afterwards. Mum had drove out with me to watch the big game and I really felt sorry for her having to sit through the 80 minutes in such trying conditions. That’s footy though I guess, and I’m sure her pain was eased somewhat by the Rooster roll I shouted her on the way home.
Last year’s match was a lot more memorable for all the right reasons after we escaped with a last minute try to secure victory at the same venue. But you can rest assured, come Saturday, it’s going to be another cold one and another typically tough encounter.
Let’s hope the rain can hold off for at least a week so we can go play some footy! I’ve had a few chats with Tim Bailey in recent days (huge fan of the rant) and he’s assured me that we’ll definitely be free to crack skulls this weekend. Tim’s been wrong before but unfortunately he’s my only authority on local weather: a number of restraining orders have presented me from gaining access to the other station’s “spunkier” newsreaders. Ah, red tape, always getting in the way. Sigh … that’s me for another week. Until next time. Same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace
We can be sure of only three things in this crazy world of ours. Number 1: John Farnham will never retire. Number 2: John Farnham is THE voice, so try and understand it. And Number 3: Power bands really do work.
According to the leading brand’s website, www.powerbalance.com, “Power Balance is performance technology that uses holograms embedded with frequencies that react positively with your body’s natural energy field. Balance • Strength • Flexibility.” Previously, I would have thought you could have added “Gullibility” to that list as well, but over the last fortnight, I’ve become a believer.
Andrew Dallalana started the trend earlier in the season by purchasing one of the power balance bands but it wasn’t until he transferred the band from his ankle to his wrist that our wily halfback was able to discover the true benefits of the product. He’s now in top form and we’ve won our last two matches in a row. Thank you power balance! A number of team-mates have followed Dalla’s lead, including our big prop forward Patty Fitzgerald. ‘Paddy’ had a bit of a scare leading into Saturday’s match when his band somehow snapped in half. Fortunately for the big fella, he had been wearing the band all day and had already secured enough ‘magical powers’ to get through the match band-less, providing a starring role off the bench in the process.
A 46-26 victory – thank you power balance power bands!
It would hardly be a surprise to see the whole time run out with these bands on at some stage this season. We’ve all trialed the bands at training in recent weeks and the results have been amazing. I’m positive that it is the bands, and not the hours of training and hard work that we’ve put in, that have led to our last couple of wins. The bands just work so well! In fact, the only player that they appear to have no affect on is winger Daniel Cray. ‘Napoleon’ (or ‘Sheamus’ as he is now known) unfortunately has a rare condition that makes the power bands null and void: he has red hair.
Already used by the likes of Shaquille O’Neill, Nick Riewoldt, Amundo Zebreki (apparently, a quite promising Water Polo player from Equitorial Guinea) and Benji Marshall, critics have dismissed the bands as merely the latest in a long list of sporting fads. But unlike Pat-Cash headbands, these power bands are set to hang around for a long, long time.
There are even suggestions that one day, every athlete on the planet, from the basketball courts of Harlem to the indoor cricket centres of Antarctica will be in possession of one of these magical bands. This of course, begs the question: if they’re all wearing them, who will be left to stand out from the pack? Surely, we’d be in a world entirely made up of super athletes? It would have to be the ultimate level- playing field. Like Superman versus Superman with Lex Luther as special referee, it would be impossible to pick a winner. Or would the bands simply cancel themselves out, leaving the best and brightest to again lead the way?
No one has been able to answer this vexing question, but the latest news from the world of sports science is that researchers are now looking to go one step further. I can exclusively reveal in this week’s rant that the power bands are in danger of one day being overtaken as the leading sports technology product. In fact, your favourite columnist, James Roche has been approached by sports brand Diadora to promote its brand new range of Power Belts! That’s right sports fans: instead of wearing a wristband to boost core strength and energy flow, the Power Belt is a specially designed um, er, belt, that locks in the body’s energy levels, duplicates them and times them by 137. It’s the future of sports and I am excited to be part of the venture. Just as power bands have changed the face of sports world-wide, so too will Power Belts lead the way in the field of sports performance and earning ridiculous sums of money from a product that was cheap to make.
One man who may find it tough finding a Power Belt in his size is our loveable Ground Announcer ‘The Ox.’
Mean spirited jokes aside, ‘Ox has taken great strides in recent weeks to earn the title of Australia’s most promising up-and-coming ground announcer. It’s not often that I make mention of the same bloke in my rant two weeks in a row, but ‘Ox’s form has been too good to ignore. His interaction with players mid-match (as evidenced in his “On ya’ Rochey” in response to one of my customary waves to the crowd) is ground announcing at its best. I’ve got to say, I feel partly responsible for his improvement this season. It looks like the Christmas Present I gave him, “Sound like me: your guide to ground announcing and voice-over work” by Morgan Freeman has really come in handy for the ‘Ox man.’
Just a quick congratulations and special mention to our two debutantes on the weekend, Daniel Gelati and Freddy Latulipe. The pair was astounding for us and are set to have a big impact for the remainder of the season. Like Corey said after the match, Parramatta is kidding themselves if they can’t find space for these two in their Toyota Cup side. But it’s ok with me: their loss is our gain!
That’s me for another week. Until next time … same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
Sweat dripping from every pore, body battered and beaten, muscles cramping, I continue to surge forward. The crowd roaring louder and louder as I get closer and closer, victory is surely mine. I can’t be stopped now. I’ve simply come too far. I deserve to get there. It all feels like it’s in slow-mo until finally, I cross the line. After a gruelling 80 minutes, I have somehow managed to surge through the hundreds of adoring female fans to the comfort and safety of my Toyota Corolla. My driver Wilhelm is trained for these sorts of moments and with minimal casualties, he’s able to drive us both to safety.
This was the scene that confronted me on Saturday night in light of our dramatic 22-21 win over a spirited Campbelltown Eagles outfit. And why was I the focus of all the attention, you may ask? Well, I was lucky enough to be declared Man of the Match by the coaching staff. The reward was a classy, engraved glass mug and $50. This is where it gets interesting. A fancy glass mug is a rare item in Sydney’s western suburbs and $50 goes a long way in good old Cabramatta town, so naturally, there were plenty of punters who wanted a piece of me. Turned out they wanted to give me a piece of them as well, as I found out later in the evening when I had to dig old Madge Flinders’ false teeth from my Cashmere sweater. It was amazing that I didn’t feel her choppers digging into me during the wild rush to my vehicle, but I guess adrenaline hides all sorts of pain, right? And why were all these crazed fans women? Well that’s pretty obvious: I am incredibly good looking.
The result on the weekend was a reward for hanging in there and doing whatever was required to win. I am sure we will continue to build on the result, and we will need to with a tough match coming up on Saturday against the Brothers side from Penrith. It’s another home game so I encourage all the fans to once again come out to New Era Stadium to cheer us on!
The fans who attended Saturday night’s match also had the bonus of seeing our Bundy Red Cup Reserves side destroy their Campbelltown opponents 74-10. Our boys were fired up after a disappointing loss to the Bulls the week before and the Eagles were simply blown off the park. Congratulations must go to Paul Matthews and his side on the victory and for warming the fans up in such fine style. The Bundy Red Reserves competition (The Sydney Cup) is a terrific concept and will give increased exposure and recognition to our players coming through the ranks. The boys in the top side know there are a number of players biting at our heels from the Reserves, which can only be good for the club. It was great having the boys play as a curtain-raiser to our clash and even better to share the sweet taste of victory (or beer) with each other up after our game.
What a night! The win wasn’t the prettiest but the never-say-attitude displayed by the boys was tremendous to see. After putting in the effort at training, it has been frustrating not to get the results we would like on game-day. But on Saturday, we capitalised on some good luck and took the vital two points. ‘Dalla’ was once again a picture of composure as he slotted the match winning penalty after the full-time siren. The wily veteran loves a grandstand finish, but personally, I think he’s cutting it a bit fine! We were put in that position after a couple of late tries; one from player’s player Vinnie Uelese after a superb solo effort, and the other a barge-over try from close range from yours truly, again on the back of a barnstorming charge from the ‘Vin man.’
Anyone that knows the Rocheburger knows that I’m a sucker for a tight pair of buns. Miranda Kerr, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Hawkins, Betty White … I could go on all day. Now, after the weekend’s events, I have a new name to add to the list: Matt Lamb.
I’m honestly surprised it has taken me this long to appreciate the well-rounded, shapely derriere of our star five-eighth, especially considering I’ve shared more showers with the bloke than his missus has. But as Star Trek star William Shatner once said: “It sometimes takes a run up a steep hill to truly know what a first class rump looks like” – and Saturday’s sand dune session gave me plenty of time to appreciate “Rack of” Lamb’s pert behind. I am talking about this from a purely subjective stand-point, I must point out. After all, the guy was running in front of me. I had no choice!
More difficult to explain however, was the state in which the nuggety pivot turned up to the session. Arriving late and without his training gear, Matt was forced to contend with the nightmarish sand hills in nothing but his underwear. And by underwear, I mean a tiny purple g-string with “Lady-killer” written on the front. He had obviously had one two many Dr Pepper’s the night before judging from his attire, not to mention the body glitter he had covering his chest and face. The World’s Oldest 25 year-old needs to take a good, hard, long look at himself. Then again, after reading the opening few paragraphs of this week’s rant, it looks like I need to do the same!
It wasn’t the only bit of drama to arise from our early-morning session either. The Lebanese Love God almost didn’t make it to the sand dunes after taking a horrendous fall during our warm-up jog. LLG was busy talking about his recent date involving a set of Lithuanian gymnasts when he tripped over his own feet and stumbled down the hill. Showing all the balance of an elephant on roller skates, the Kass man must have ended up sliding about 10 metres across the dirt and gravel, much to the amusement of the lads. Fortunately, he only suffered a few cuts and bruises but he’s only got himself to blame – running in a $400 pair or Armani loafers is never a good idea.
For me, the biggest concern related more to the weather. While the heat has never exactly been a close friend of mine, I must admit that it felt quite strange doing the sand dunes on an early May morning, where frostbite felt like a real concern as we pounded across the sand. Not only did the cold weather add to the challenge, but it severely depleted the number of bikini-clad babes you’d normally find around the beach – my usual incentive for getting the dunes out of the way quickly. At one stage, I even saw a huskie carrying a sled up one of the sand hills – it was really that cold.
Following the tough session, we decided to all head to a swanky little café in Cronulla that Dalla recommended. Now I know the guy is a former NRL player and a popular identity in the local area, but the red-carpet treatment this bloke receives wherever he goes around that part of the world is simply amazing. At the café and on the streets it was “Mr Dallalana this” and “Mr Dallalana that” (those that forget to address him this way were reminded in no uncertain terms of the required etiquette) and I really felt like I was in the presence of royalty.
Some people in the public eye let this sort of attention effect them, but not Dalla. The bloke stayed true to himself the entire time - he spat out his latte at one stage and had it returned to the kitchen for being “too foamy” – and it was just so refreshing to see. That’s what’s so great about Dalla, he’s always himself, regardless of the situation or venue.
An update on ‘Mark the waver’s’ facebook group: last week I reported that this loveable local lad had overtaken yours truly in the celebrity stakes via the social networking site. His group has now attracted 1, 850 members. While I haven’t lost any members, I haven’t gained any either. I’m still at 340. While some positive results on the field might help boost the group’s numbers in the coming weeks, I’d be more than happy to receive some suggestions on how I can improve the page. While I’m a big fan of Mark, I’m also a competitor at heart, and am determined to bridge the gap! Here’s the link: http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=353400348571&ref=ts
Does this make me look like a desperate loser? Perhaps, but desperate times call for desperate measures!
I’d just like to send out quick congratulations to Cabramatta Junior Nathan Gardner on making his NRL debut for the Sharks on the weekend. Nathan is a wholehearted player with a big future ahead of him, and it was great to see him cross the line for a try on debut. We wish him all the best for the rest of the season and in the years to come.
That’s me for another week. Until next time … same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace
The Wanda sand dunes attract all sorts on a Saturday morning…
In light of our recent losing streak, you’d think smiles would be hard to come out Cabramatta way at the moment, but not so for our big prop Pat Fitzgerald. ‘Paddy’ has been strutting about and grinning like the cat that got the milk after his appearance in the Daily Telegraph’s footy lift-out, in the section ‘Working Class Hero.’ For reasons that I am unable to comprehend, the powers that be at the Telegraph decided to overlook the Rocheburger and go with our loveable meathead for the spread. Don’t get me wrong, Paddy is a funny guy, but this was not reflected in his responses to the various questions put to him. When asked to describe some funny events that occurred in his workplace, the big man mentioned the times he had accidentally set off fire alarms while checking equipment or something; whatever he does in his job (I’m not really sure, I was that bored I stopped reading half-way through).
Now let’s be honest: who would you turn to for both an informative and humorous account of a true working class hero? Even the kindergarten kid that eats his clag paste would tell you the answer: James Roche.
Sure, I spend most of my time behind a keyboard and sure I’m not out there getting oil or paint stains on my overalls, but this does not mean I am not perfectly positioned to represent the working class Rugby League man. In fact, the other day, I had such a bad case of finger cramp that I had to get Wally the office work experience boy to fetch me a salt tablet and give me a hand massage. Talk about putting the body on the line. On top of that, I’m forced to head to training after such a tough day at the office and expected to perform at optimal levels.
And there’s no doubt that the stories I could provide would make for much greater reading than their usual offerings. Like the time I was caught in a rather compromising position with a spunky young female in one of the offices at work by the police officer that patrolled our floor. A potentially disastrous position for a public servant like myself to be found in, but one that was easily averted when I provided the gentleman with a Mr Ko’s lunchtime food voucher. In retrospect, a hilarious tale that was clearly more interesting than Paddy’s story. Ah well, maybe next week!
Anyway, back to the footy field.
In times like this, it’s very easy to get bogged down in analysis. Team discussions can be very handy in addressing areas that require improvement out on the field, but when you’ve faced four losses in a row like we have, these chats end up feeling a lot like Groundhog Day. I truly believe that there is such as thing as one crisis meeting too many. In fact, as a team we’re already conscious of that and that’s why we’ve organised a meeting to discuss this on Tuesday after training. We plan on meeting again on Thursday night to discuss the results of this meeting.
It’s not just the players, coaching staff and fans that have suffered through our little form slump, however – The Rochey’s Rant Appreciation Society Facebook Group has lost two members since our latest loss on Saturday. The group now has 340 members – an impressive amount that is superior to the “Guys are not sex toys so please girls treat them with respect” group (112 members) and not far from overtaking the Milo Kerrigan fan page (375 members) – but it’s still put me on notice. To rub salt into the wound, I’ve discovered that a group devoted to the man that waves at passing motorists at the round-about near my house has now reached 1,433 members at last check. Not only has this group easily surpassed mine in terms of members, but ‘Mark the waver’ has now taken the mantle as Macquarie Fields number one celebrity, surpassing Socceroo Brett Emerton and yours truly in the process. The amount of times I’ve nearly crashed my Corolla whilst attempting to wave to Mark, negotiate the round-about and juggle my breakfast burrito at the same time is simply beyond belief. And how do the Gods repay me for my friendly nature and ability to multitask? I’ll tell you what I get: 1 from 7 on the footy field, a guacamole stain that just won’t leave my favourite pair of ruggers and a facebook group that deserves far greater support. Nice guys really do finish last.
Oddly enough though, I’m feeling quite positive about what lies ahead for the team. We managed to pull off a few of our moves with great success during Saturday’s match and if we can sustain the effort that we showed during periods of the game for the full 80, then we will climb the ladder quickly. It probably sounds like a rather obvious, clichéd thing to say, but I truly believe it. If it’s not the opening 20 that’s killing us most at the moment, then it’s the momentary lapses of concentration that occur once we’ve fought our way back into the match. In between, we’re playing some good footy and really testing the opposition, both in attack and defence. In my mind, our next win will be the toughest win we’ll have all year. But once the cycle has been broken, I’m sure that we will grow in confidence and continue to build from week to week.
That’s me for another week. Until next time … same Roche-time … same Roche-channel. Peace
The mice which helplessly find themselves between the cat’s teeth acquire no merit from their enforced sacrifice.
As I browsed through a number of websites over the weekend in search for some words of inspiration for the lads (my own words don’t seem to be striking much of a chord), I stumbled upon this one from the great Mahatma Gandhi. It held special significance for a couple of reasons. One: I have no idea what it means. Two: it contained the word ‘sacrifice.’
After another loss on the weekend, it’s only natural that questions are asked about the team and the direction it needs to take to get back on the winner’s list. While we are definitely trying hard to win each week, something is missing at the moment. Perhaps it’s time that we make a few ‘sacrifices’ to unlock our full potential. On a personal level, I’ve decided to kick things off by stating right here and now that I have banned myself from Kings Cross until we string a few wins together. The staff at Porky’s will be devastated, but I am determined to take a stand. In fact, I am upholding the ban for as long as possible - not because the night usually ends up with me gallivanting around in my reg grundies in a street or household that I’ve never been before - but to combat the kebab/burrito addiction I seem to have developed in recent weeks. Secondly, I will continue with the ‘no sex ban’ I introduced in round one. I must point out however, that this ban hasn’t been voluntary. In fact, all potential suitors will be considered on a case-by-case basis. That aside, I am more than willing to make a sacrifice or two to contribute towards a much-needed victory. After all, great glory is not achieved without sacrifice. Or something like that….
That being said, there’s certainly no need to panic at the moment. Only five points are separating first from last and as the 12th Man would say, we’re currently sitting in reverse-first. The weekend’s match wasn’t pretty to watch but Windsor came out on fire and was just too good. Injuries didn’t help either. The bench was left short and it was always going to be an up-hill battle when big Weaves went off injured in the first five minutes. At one stage in the second half, I even asked the Wolves’ lads if I could join them on their bench after I was left to sit on my Pat Malone on the sidelines. The night was definitely a depressing one and things can only get better from here.
I’ve gotta say though, I haven’t sat at this end of the competition table since my last season with the Ingleburn RSL club back in the Under 17’s. Boy, wasn’t that a tough year? We ran out with 10 players most weeks and were forced to contend with sides like Eaglevale-St Andrews, who had the likes of Dean Collis and Ben Roberts among their ranks. There were occasions where I found myself feeding the scrum, raking the ball from hooker and then taking it from lock before charging into the defence. I even found myself drawing the winning raffle tickets for the meat-tray at half-time. On top of this, it was my responsibility to drive the team bus to-and-from games and even clean jerseys. Tough gig. How I didn’t take out clubman of the year is anybody’s guess and it’s an issue that I still raise with my therapist on a regular basis.
There were positives to arise from the season however. My reverse-parking skills became the talk of the town and I even developed a handy Phil Blake-like chip-and-chase for use in latter years. I’m still waiting for the time to unleash this ‘weapon’ of mine, as well as the Garry Schofield-step I’ve been working on, but rest assured, you’re not far off seeing it sports fans.
In all seriousness though, things are definitely not as dire for us at the moment as they were for the Burners side of 2002. We have a lot of quality players and when we click, opposition teams better look out. This week might be the week that we all decide to reveal something special when we take on fierce rivals, the Bankstown Bulls. It’s always a tough encounter at The Crest and they’ll be particularly keen for a big showing after their loss on the weekend.
Thanks to all the fans that continue to turn up each week to cheer us on. The results aren’t going our way at the moment but stick with us and we’ll keep busting our guts each week to bring you guys the success you deserve.
Speaking of success, I’d like to congratulate Kenny Fraser’s Under 12 side for knocking off the seemingly invincible Mounties side 18-4. The team have done a remarkable job turning their defence around in recent weeks and Kenny’s years of wisdom are obviously paying off for his young fellas. When I saw his players loading and unloading kegs of Reschs from a van outside his house during the hot summer months, I knew his chargers would be in for a big season. His methods may be unconventional (he’s been known to use the coaching manual as a beer coaster) but he knows a thing or two about Rugby League and what it takes to bring along the next batch of Cabramatta superstars!
Well Rochey’s Rant is back for another week and I’ve got to just say from the get-go, these things are damn hard to write after a loss. And it is even tougher when the team that knocked us off were our Grand Final conquerors, the Wentworthville Magpies. Tougher still, to see a former team-mate prove the difference between the sides with two tries. 32-22 losers. Now that sucks a big bag of suck.
The former team-mate I am referring to is of course, Sammy Aiga, and his two tries came at vital stages of the second half. The first four-pointer came after we had worked our way back into the contest through a try to ‘The Whippet’ Jason Gray. We were poised to post our second try moments later until the intercept-king Astro Waetford plucked a ball from the air and raced up-field. This bloke does this to us every time he plays us and no matter how often we talk about it before the games, the big winger always seems to find a way to snare them. He didn’t score on this occasion, cut down in sensational fashion by fellow headgear wearing wingman Gray (seriously, what’s with wingers wearing headgears? They’d be lucky to make more than three tackles a game and are lucky that we feed them). But in the same set of six, a quick spread of the pill saw Sammy touch-down out wide. Flukey sunk the conversion and the 12 point turn-around really hit us hard.
Despite a further try to player’s player, Francis Vaiotu, Sammy’s second try with just eight minutes to go sealed the match. Now everyone knows just how laid-back a bloke Sammy is. I mean, the kid’s cooler than the other side of the pillow. But deep down, he is actually a sensitive soul. Just the mere mention of Optimus Prime’s death in the original animated Transformer’s film is enough to bring a tear to old Sammy’s eye. So it probably came as no surprise then, to hear that he had mixed feelings about the result. While obviously ecstatic with his two try effort and the result of match, he still holds the Cabramatta club very dearly to his heart and he felt sorry for all the boys after the match. He clearly misses the lads, as well the Sate` Chicken from Mr Ko’s, but life goes on!
If taking our competition points wasn’t enough, several of the Wenty players even had the hide to ask if I could make specific mention of their efforts in the rant this week! Magpies front-rower Luke Young was particularly persistent with his request, offering to give up his entire pokemon collection in exchange for a paragraph in his honour. The big fella is obviously starving for attention over there at Ringrose and feels that a few words of praise from the Rocheburger will help to elevate him through the ranks. Now while there is little doubt that Daniel Anderson, like several NRL coaches, would be a huge fan of Rochey’s Rant, bribery is not the answer. And pokemon? Youngy has obviously spent too much time with the school kids in his role as ARL development officer if he thinks a bunch of pokemon cards are going to cut the mustard. A bucket of the Colonel’s finest and a six pack would have done just nicely.
While the result on the day was definitely forgettable, the day itself, and the occasion celebrated, was not. ANZAC Day holds special meaning to all Australians and it is a time in which we are all especially grateful for the freedoms we enjoy. On a personal level, it is a day that makes me proud to be Australian and extremely lucky to be in a position to do the things that I love, in particular, playing footy with my mates.
On behalf of the boys, I’d just like to send my congratulations to Donny Thompson and his wife Jessica, who celebrated the birth of their third child and first son, Elijah. From all reports, mother and son are doing well, and if young Elijah can transfer his kicking game inside the womb to the outside world, we may have another star in the making.
That’s me for another week. Until next time, same Roche-time ... same Roche-channel. Peace.
I’m not one to normally believe in omens but with our demoralising loss on Saturday coinciding with my near-death experience earlier in the day, I may just have to reassess my position.
Picture this rant fans: you’re sitting in the comfort of your lounge-room, perhaps reading the paper and sipping on a latte or in my instance, clipping your toenails and listening to Video Hits, when all of a sudden, a car comes hurtling through your fence and straight towards your house. Not something you’d expect to see everyday but when one of my neighbours mistook their brake pedal for the accelerator, it’s exactly what I was faced with.
Within moments, the vehicle had crashed straight into the side of my house, severely damaging my bathroom and perhaps even worse – destroying my beloved herb garden! Luckily, the driver was ok and no one was injured. It was a miracle really, especially when you consider that Dad uses that toilet at least 57 times a day! Unfortunately though, the herb-crusted lamb cutlets I had plans of whipping up for the lads has now been put on hold.
Well, I must have used up all my luck in this instance, as well as the luck of the whole side as we were thoroughly outplayed later that night by a committed Brothers outfit 22-6. Despite a half-time score of 12-6, we were never really in the match and our opposition thoroughly deserved the win. The boys from Penrith did a similar thing to us last year – coming to our home ground and teaching us a lesson on disciplined committed footy – and I can only hope that it once again drives us to a successful season.
There will certainly be no sign of panic in the Cabramatta camp at this week’s training session, although there did appear to be a few panicky options taken during the match itself. A pass from yours truly early in the second half probably summed up our night.
After receiving a short ball off Dalla, I had open space in front of me and two unmarked players in Chappo and Josh Mac outside me. Inexplicably, instead of steaming into the gap and showing the sort of speed in which I have built a career, I decided to give the ball early to Chappo. The result: a floating, lollipop pass that Kareem Abdul Jabbar would have had trouble getting to. If the pass had stuck and we’d managed to score, perhaps it could have kick-started a comeback but it was not to be. I can only hope that the powers-that-be decide to include a ‘worst pass of the year’ competition in this year’s award ceremony, because I would have to be leading the pack so far with that effort.
One of the great things I have found about this club is the passion of the supporters. They are always keen to share a beverage or two after a great victory, and equally keen to drown their sorrows with you over a cold one after a tough loss. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re just keen for a beer in general, but the boys appreciate it nevertheless. One man who has sunk more than his fair share of sherbets in his time is Cabramatta legend Matty Hamilton. Being a former team-mate, he was quick to provide a few good natured-reminders of my terrible pass. I replied in jest with: “Your missus should have passed on you years ago you overgrown mutant.” Unfortunately, this call wasn’t as well received and it took a number of plates of Mr Ko’s famous fried chicken wings before order could be restored and peace could be reached between the two of us.
Rugby League, like sport in general, is great as it almost always provides a second chance. Luckily for us, we’ve got a Grand Final rematch to look forward to on Sunday at Ringrose against the defending Premiers, the Wentworthville Magpies. In such a tight competition, we shouldn’t have to look far for motivation during any match, but this week’s clash should really bring the best out in us and I am pumped. The match is scheduled to start at 1:20pm so be sure to come out and cheer us on Cabramatta fans!
Just a quick congratulations to Donny Thompson for winning the player’s player award. Our fullback has been in fine form of late, and after seeing his heavily pregnant wife Jessica on the sidelines during the match, it’s clear that old Don Dons has been firing on all cylinders, both on and off the field! It’s not just on the park that Donny has shown he can fire through a hole. He is (and has) a potent attacking weapon. Ok, I think I’ve gone far enough there.
Until next week…. Same Roche-time….. Same Roche-channel. Peace.
Well we weren’t victorious, but we did manage to escape from The Entrance with a hard-earned point and 17 cases of heat stroke. Hardly the perfect day out, but there were several positive signs coming from Saturday’s match.
The concerns I expressed in regards to post-match feeds must have been heard by the Tigers’ board members (huge fans of the rant apparently) who ensured we were looked after with a tray of meat pies, sausages and not a single salad in sight after the match. There’s one tick.
Secondly, our start to the match was much better than the opening two weeks of competition and this was due to an improvement in completion rates. On top of that, we played with much greater variety around the rucks, with each player taking greater initiative in setting up our plays. It was a tactic that almost got us over the line, although I suppose 22 all was probably a fair result.
Speaking of tactics …..
As a player with great technical nous and skill, I’ve often been complimented for my vision during big games. But tell that to the Entrance player who decided to launch a kamikaze head-butt into the handsome face of yours truly. He obviously thought my vision wasn’t up to standard and after the rather painful collision, had succeeded in giving me a ‘third’ eye, right on my forehead.
If the blood trickling down my face didn’t alert me of the problem, the collective groans of my female fans in attendance certainly did. Thankfully, once the crimson mask was removed, all that was left beyond was a bit of a lump and a small cut - more of a blemish really. By the time, I had showered up after the game, I didn’t look like a wounded player – more like the ‘before’ character in a Clearasil commercial. Surely this would affect my chances with the fairer sex later in the evening?
In times like this, you look for the support of your team-mates to ease your insecurities. But while I couldn’t ask for a better bunch of blokes to watch my back on the field, their off-field support leaves a lot to be desired.
‘Chappo’ told me that I shouldn’t even bother going out that night due to lump on my forehead and that I’d be better off having a quiet night in with a box of jatz crackers and some facebook browsing. Well, if this is his idea of a top Saturday night, then I feel sorry for his missus. But then again, someone like ‘Chappo’ probably would stay in at the sign of any slight blemish. He certainly is a vain individual.
In fact, it’s not uncommon to find ‘Chappo’ in the sheds before the game, in front of the mirror, tweezing his eyebrows and trimming his facial hair. He has his grooming methods down to a fine art form and his former team-mates of the Tigers told me that during a big match a few seasons back, he was caught applying the moisturiser he had stored in a tube in his footy socks!
Being a ‘glass half-full’ kind of chap, I put the blemish behind me and hit the town. Despite having a lump that was shinier than David Bowie’s wardrobe collection, the cut proved a great conversation starter and actually helped me with the ladies. Well it was either that or the robot dance I have recently perfected. Thanks for your advice ‘Chappo.’ I am glad I never listen to you.
Also joining me on my trip to the city, and fresh from his vital try during our match with the Entrance was livewire winger Jason Gray. ‘The whippet’ was a revelation earlier on in the day and really made the most of his recall following a knee injury to Francis Vaiotu. He has hit the ground running since his return from a lads’ trip to Bali and if smashing down Bintangs and sipping cocktails is the key to his form, then I propose that coaches Ruttle and Yates tee up a mid-season trip to the holiday hot-spot right away!
The whippet even managed to top the ‘beep test’ at Tuesday night’s training session, remarkable considering he only made it home on the Saturday after 11 days on the turps. Asked the key to his impressive level of fitness after such a bender, he replied “I dunno. Lucky I guess” (probably the longest reply he’s provided to a question.)
However, spies reliably informed me that the whippet paced himself on the drink throughout the entire trip and spent most nights in his room writing love letters to his girlfriend and meditating to his extensive collection of Enya CDs. He still fared better on the trip than Josh Casey, who was photographed dancing in a cage at the Bounty Bar in between a ‘female’ that drew a striking resemblance to Johnny Bravo and a rather large individual wearing a gimp mask.
In a bit to rid that image of your mind, be sure to come along to our next match at home next Saturday against Penrith Brothers. And be sure to cheer loud and proud! That’s me for now. Remember to tune in next week… same Roche-time ... same Roche-channel. Peace.
After a tough loss, every player deals with things in their own way. A player like Greg Fulmer will rise early the following morning for a dose of beachside tai chi to cleanse the system before evaluating the game. Another, like Chris Weaver, will drown his sorrows in a mountain of rocky road ice cream and ‘Cottee’s ice-magic’. For me, particularly after playing only 30 minutes, there is only one option: leave a series of anonymous post-it-notes on the windscreens of Coaches Ruttle and Yates with a number of ‘suggestions’ as to how the team can improve.
With that taken care of, it can sometimes help to bring a few of the boys together over a few beers for some traditional ‘team bonding.’
Having played the game on a Thursday night, we had the whole Easter Weekend to ourselves. In this instance, it’s easy to go out and write yourself off. But I’d like to think I’m much smarter than that. Therefore, in preparation for Sunday’s bonding session at Cronulla, I practiced ‘bonding’ on both Friday and Saturday night as well. By the time Sunday rolled around, I knew I had put the hard yards in and was ready for what laid ahead of me.
Sadly, one team member had his afternoon/evening cut short at one particular establishment when his attempts to test the durability of a drinks tray were misinterpreted as hooliganism. The player in question was unable to sufficiently charm the lady (and I use the term ‘lady’ lightly) manager of the pub and he was asked to leave. Seriously, when a player can’t smash trays into his head for the benefit of science, what can he do? What has society come to? Oh the humanity!
Looking to capitalise on the success of channel seven’s new show Cougar Town, a few, how should I say it? Ah, a few ‘mature’ ladies seemed to find their way into local haunt Northies for the afternoon. I’m not sure if it was my outwardly charming demeanour or she had heard about the Golden Girls fanpage I had started up on facebook, but one particular lass seemed to fancy her chances with the Rocheburger. Naturally, I copped some ribbing from the boys for inviting my ‘mother’ to the pub, but I felt that was a bit harsh. In between sips of Chamomile Tea and the brief nanna nap my newfound friend had in the corner late afternoon, she partied as hard as anyone and should not be discriminated against due to her age. That being said, I certainly did the runner when I noticed a few younger ‘spunkrats’ giving me the eye.
When out in the Cronulla district (I refuse to refer to it as the shire, Dalla), there’s never any shortage of good looking women. But when you look over to the corner of the club and you see the Lebanese Love God firing the “sex shooters” at every girl that walks past in a short skirt, you know you could be in for some stiff opposition with the ladies.
Luckily, I more than held my own with Nick Kassis not having it all his own way on the dance floor. He might show fancy feet at times out there on the footy field but it’s fair to say that I probably had him covered with my provocative hip thrusting and sultry poses.
Adam Bennett also seems to fancy himself as a bit of a chick magnet but while I am pleased he has made moves to remedy his disturbing body odour issues, he will never quite be on the same level as me while he continues to drown himself in Old Spice.
I might not have featured too prominently on the field Thursday night, but no one could possibly doubt that off the field, I am in terrific form and am leading the pack.
In the interests of journalistic integrity, I suppose it’s time I provide a few of my thoughts on Thursday night’s match.
Led by the Bundaberg Red Cup’s very own Andre-the-Giant, Charlie “The Perm” Farah, the Bulls were just too good for us. The opening 20 minutes was as fast as any I have played in a fair while and the Bankstown Boys looked very sharp and on the ball. As always, they are going to be one of the teams to beat this year.
In saying that, we’re confident that after addressing a few areas in our play, we will be right where we need to be as the season goes on. Providing more meat and less salad in our post match dressing shed feeds would also offer greater incentive to players. I am sure I am not alone with my thoughts there.
But back to the match....
The match was probably lost for us during the middle quarter of the game. From the 20th minute, right up until half time, it was all the Bulls. Three tries, three conversions and a stunned crowd in attendance. Things weren’t going our away and Dalla’s sin-binning right on the stroke of half time probably summed up our night.
Making a tackle on former Two Blues favourite James Trotter, Dalla was penalised and sent for 10 for allegedly holding down his opposite for too long. While the penalty was harsh, the sin-binning was ludicrous. I’m sure if our star half had his time over again, he would have at least rubbed some dirt into “Trotts’” eye or dropped a sly elbow down to warrant the decision.
Dalla’s sin-binning capped off a nightmare half for us and it had us questioning some of the referee’s interpretations of foul play. It seems ridiculous to me that a player can be sent to the sidelines for a ten minute spell, leaving his team down a man and seriously disadvantaged over what is a relatively mundane incident, while a head high tackle or spear tackle is usually just put on report - the contest remains 13 on 13. There were a few tackles that went beyond the vertical and we seemed to be on the end of most of them. We lose our halfback for 10 crucial minutes and then get a solitary penalty as compensation for being on the end of a piece of foul play ourselves. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.
One man who has certainly been on the end of a few spear tackles in recent weeks is Keith Heckenberg.
Now we all know that Hecks is as hard as a maths test but there’s only so many times you can get your head banged into the ground or be upended in illegal fashion before you start finding yourself auditioning for the role of Sloth in the Goonies sequel.
It would be a shame if this were to happen as the veteran lock is such a key contributor to team meetings and half time chats. He doesn’t say a whole lot but what he does say is always spot on. I’d love to say that when he opens his mouth, you listen, but to be perfectly frank, Hecks doesn’t really open his mouth at all when he speaks. I don’t know how he does it, but the big man manages to project without moving his lips. It probably came as no surprise therefore, to find that Hecks has expressed an interest in making a career move into the world of ventriloquism. At the moment, he drives a bus for special children in the local community. I suggested that he look at combining both to form a bus service for long trips, whereby he could use the breaks to perform his ventriloquist act. He said he’d take it on board but I’m more concerned with the fact that if he receives one more spear tackle, he could end up not playing the role of ventriloquist, but the dummy itself.
Thanks as always to the crowd that came out to cheer us on. Hopefully we can get us some travelling support together for next week’s tough road-trip to The Entrance. It looks set to be another cracking match.
That’s me for another week. Until next week, same Roche-time..... same Roche-channel. Peace
Breathtaking. Dynamic. Game-changing. All words used to describe my breathtaking, dynamic and game-changing try during Saturday night’s match against Mounties. While I’m usually used to getting smashed in the middle of the park, Corey gave me the opportunity to lurk a little wider and I must say, I certainly rewarded him with my first meat pie for the year. Hitting the hole off Dalla from 30 metres out, I showed breathtaking speed to avoid the cover defence and score out wide. The Mounties players dropped their heads after that (possibly at conceding the try and the shift in momentum and possibly because they let the number 16 run 30 metres for a try) and we were never headed, running away with the game, 24-20.
With a completion rate hovering around 50 per cent, you could say we were a little lucky to even be in the game but the guts and determination shown by all the boys was something to marvel. I think a lot of the pride in the jersey and the willingness to play for the man alongside us is instilled from our coach Corey Ruttle. As ‘Rutts’ pointed out to us after the match, with him as coach, we’ll never be a team that’s short of guts.
Another match, another player’s player for the Big, Bald Behemoth Jamie Small. It looks like BBB has picked up where he left off last season, putting in another powerful display in partnership with fellow big boppa Pat Fitzgerald. I went to his house last year and the bloke’s got that many player’s player and man-of-the-match mugs, he uses half of them as markers when he performs his agility drills. He also keeps a list of personal goals posted on his fridge. Once he learns to read and write, he’ll have goal one completed and he can move on to bigger and better things.
BBB’s performance was all the more impressive when you consider he spent the best part of the last fortnight struggling with a hamstring injury. I honestly had my doubts about whether he’d make it out on the field for Saturday night’s game but the big man pulled out all stops to ensure he’d be ready to lead the team out. Reportedly, to assist with the healing process, BBB ordered in some Panda saliva from China. Apparently, the saliva is taken in a shot glass twice a day and it works wonders on the joints and muscles. According to another bald sports star, Michael Jordan, it added years to his career.
It probably came as no surprise to see the behemoth go to such extreme lengths. Our skipper is a strange individual and definitely a creature of habit. Before each match, the big man will insist on playing ‘thumb wars’ with every individual in the team. You better let him win. He won’t go out on the field until he has taken on and defeated all comers. At half time, he spends five minutes brushing his teeth. At the end of the game, he won’t leave the shed until he has kissed the foreheads of all the coaching and training staff. Weird.
But after watching our skipper tear into the opposition each week, all I can say is: keep up the bizarre rituals you big freak because it seems to be working well for us! And if you need any further confirmation, just ask the many Mounties players he left sprawled on the deck after each charge.
Speaking of players on the deck, Dalla sent a bit of a scare through the camp when he went down after copping a heavy knock late in the game. The trainers were quick to attend to him but after playing a full season with our wily half, I knew he’d be sweet. I mean, the bloke goes down at least once a game with some sort of injury concern yet always seems to overcome it to finish off the match. I’m not sure whether he really enjoys the attention or he goes down to give the rest of the boys a bit of a rest or he is just really brittle (perhaps a combination of the three) but fair dinkum, the bloke spends more time on the grass than Cheech and Chong!
But in all seriousness, Dalla is certainly a tough competitor and along with dynamic five eighth Matt Lamb, directed the side around expertly on Saturday night. The backs enjoyed plenty of ball, particularly our gun centre Mase Laulu Togagae. With a name that would earn him at least a triple word score in a game of scrabble, Mase has had an explosive start to the season. However, he has managed to find himself as the inaugural winner of the ‘Derek of the week’ award after an inexplicable failed chip in the dying moments of our match. Leading by eight in the final few minutes, Mase got sick of palming off Mounties players and thought he’d earn himself a prominent spot in the highlights reel with a chip-and-chase. I hope he kicks his dog harder when it misbehaves, because this ball went nowhere. Corey almost had to be resuscitated on the sideline (partly because of Mase’s brain explosion and partly due to an overdose of spicy chicken wings at half time) and I’m sure that’s the last we’ll see of such flair at that stage of a game.
In other news, giant back-rower Mason Pure has formally requested that his name be changed to Mason Pure.` The big fella recently found out that he has ties with French aristocracy going back several generations and is hoping that the adding of an accent to his name will better reflect his family ties. I just hope that he has thought this decision through. Just as Nestle` products have suffered as a result of the accent (does anyone else remember when it was just Nestle?), so too may the quality of his performance be affected by the name change. Let’s hope not as the big man looks set to be a real handful for opposition teams this year.
Don’t forget to come along to this week’s match against bitter rivals the Sydney Bulls at New Era Stadium, Cabramatta at 7:30pm Thursday night.
That’s me for another week. Until next time..... same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
Well, round one is upon us and I’m more excited than Big Kev at Christmas. What a great time of the year! But for fear of ‘playing the game too early in my head,’ I’m not going to spend too much time previewing this week’s big clash against Mounties. Instead, I thought I’d talk you through the Rocheburger’s weekend.
I’ve always found those Nutri Grain ads to be a little misleading. You know the ones: a young kid eats some cereal and then one day turns into a Guy Leach-clone. Sounds easy, right? Well I’ve spent a number of years shovelling down Nutri Grain and just as I’m still no closer to becoming an Iron Man, no amount of card playing looks likely to turn me into a poker champion either; not if Saturday night’s efforts are anything to go by anyway.
For those unfamiliar with the Cabramatta Bundy Red Cup social calendar, Saturday night was our first poker night for the year and after hours of intense, gripping action (separated only by a short break for Pizza), Jason Thompson came away as the grand prize winner.
The stakes were high and the competitive instincts of the boys were clear for all to see. With the amount of testosterone flyi ng through the air, it was only a matter of time before blows were struck. Why Corey felt he was entitled to the last piece of BBQ Meatlovers is beyond me. Let’s just hope he’s forgiven me for the belly-to-belly suplex I gave him when it comes time to select the side for this week’s match. At least the poker itself was played in the right spirit.
The signs weren’t good for yours truly from the outset when I learned that I’d be sharing a table with self-proclaimed poker kings Rhys ‘Pretty boy’ Watt and ‘The Lebanese Love God’ Nick Kassis. The Love God got off to a flying start and soon had more chips than a can of Pringles. Nick not only looks remarkably like Joe Hachem, he plays poker like him as well.
Despite my lofty ambitions, I received the inglorious honour of being the first man evicted from the poker tournament. It was my first time playing the game and I knew I was probably doomed when I yelled ‘Yachtzee’ on the first hand. Ah well, maybe next time.
‘The human sightscreen ‘Andrew Hill and ‘Bluey’ Fahy were both notable absentees from the poker night, removing some stiff competition from the ranks. ‘Bluey’ found himself caught under a 100 Watt light bulb without sunscreen earlier in the week and was off having a melanoma removed. We wish him a speedy recovery. ‘Sightscreen’ meanwhile was away on business. He is currently in Taiwan, in discussions with our sister-club: The Taipei Two-Blues.
Congratulations must go to Matt ‘Rack of’ Lamb for his tremendous efforts in organising the night. As they say, behind every great man is an even greater woman and it’s great to see that Victoria not only supports Matt’s involvement in the social committee but actively encourages it to get him out of the house.
Saturday night’s bonding night was just what the team needed a week out from the opening round. I know the boys are relaxed heading into the Mounties clash and have been training hard for the long season ahead. Being a local derby, this weekend’s match definitely won’t disappoint and I encourage all Two Blues Fans to head out to Cook Park on Saturday night for the big one!
On a side note, it looks like Rochey’s Rant has infiltrated the NRL ranks.
Fresh from his impressive comeback to the Parramatta Eels first grade side, local junior Brendan Oake has expressed a strong desire to be linked to the growing ‘brand’ that is Rochey’s Rant. In fact, the big fella even took the initiative of sending me a handwritten letter outlining his appreciation for my column and a request for us to come to some sort of mutual agreement on personal sponsorship and promotion. Naturally, I was sceptical. After all, I have known Brendan for a number of years and have only ever known him to write in crayon. I first thought that maybe it was one of the lads playing a bit of a ‘gee up.’ But when I saw the distinguishable Brendan Oake signature (a shaky ‘X’ at the bottom of the page), I knew the Rant had well and truly hit the big time.
Obviously, we need to have a chat to Mr Ko (remuneration in the form of Sate Chicken has been mooted as a possibility) and Oakey’s personal sponsors about the finer details, but don’t be surprised to see ‘Rochey’s Rant’ splashed across the ‘Big O’s’ footy boots in the weeks to come.
That’s me for another week. Until next time..... same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
This week’s special edition of Rochey’s Rant has it all.
For the current instalment, it would be remiss of me not to focus primarily on our trip up to Forster-Tuncurry for our trial matches against the local side and the Group Three rep team. Well, we won pretty comfortably in both matches. But let’s first address the big issues.
Would somebody please get Josh Casey a job? Things have become so dire for the young fullback during his extended period of unemployment that he has taken to cutting his own hair to save a dollar. And the results have been nothing short of catastrophic. Ok, so the Rocheburger isn’t exactly known for his cutting edge hairstyles or trailblazing fashion statements (2008 Mad Monday Tiger Print Shorts an exception) but Joshua, please: at least get your brother to give you a hand with the cutting. But then again, looking at Matt Casey’s hair, maybe that’s not such a good idea either. Looks like I’ll have to pass around one of my Rochey’s Rant Merchandise Mugs again to collect some coin for young Josh to invest in a nice short-back-and-sides cut or at least a decent pair of clippers. I’m not sure what he used for the latest trim but at the moment, it looks like Michael J Fox has taken to his locks with a pair of rusty scissors during an earthquake. Just shocking!
One man who certainly doesn’t need any fashion or grooming advice is back-rower Nick Kassis. At one stage on our trip away, I thought I was on holiday with David Beckham, such was the attention received by the big fella from his adoring female fans (as well as some suspicious male characters). The self-proclaimed ‘Lebanese Love-God’ is personally sponsored by Armani and his Kashmir PJs certainly put my suspiciously stained He-man Reg Grundies to shame when it came time for bed-time. And out on the field he was equally as impressive.
His all-round skills were clearly on show during one particular passage of play on Friday night. Showing great speed and desire to race back into the in-goal to defuse an opposition kick, Nick then evaded several would-be defenders before reaching into his sock and unveiling an eight-inch acrylic hair comb, styling his hair as he ducked and weaved his way up field. Then, he somehow was able to throw a no-look flick pass to his wing-man before blowing a kiss to the buxom blonde sitting in the stands on the half-way line. Sheer class.
Despite a couple of tries in the middle of the park (including one dynamic effort from yours truly), most of the space created was out wide. Our backs had a field day in both matches, scoring some sizzling tries. Experiencing a minor case of whiplash and attending to my bruised and battered face after the match, I really wondered why I had never pursued a career in the backline. Despite their efforts on the scoreboard, I must say: I don’t think one of the backs even worked up a sweat during the entire match. Ah well, I’ll leave it to this burgeoning column to earn me my plaudits and I’ll leave it to the overpaid backs to achieve the on-field glory.
NOTE: I’d just like to state here that my last paragraph was written in jest and that I really, truly appreciate the efforts of our star-studded backline. I thought I would clear this up as some of the backs can become a little precious (I’m looking at you Andrew Dallalana).
One man, who certainly did work up a sweat during the match was our trainer Brett Burns who somehow managed to pull a muscle in his leg whilst running water out to the boys. The sight of Burnsy on the sidelines with an ice-pack strapped to his leg during the dying moments of the game was priceless.
On a more serious note, it was a shame to see Smally pull up lame during our warm-up. It was the reoccurrence of an existing injury (leg, knee or hand: I’m not really sure as I wasn’t paying attention) and he was forced to withdraw from the match at the last minute. I don’t know who was more disappointed, the big fella or team assistant Keith Kerrigan who had 20 bucks on the skipper at the juicy odds of $54 for first try-scorer.
Luckily, the Big Bald Behemoth’s injury wasn’t serious enough to stop him leading the way at the post-match festivities and I am happy to report that the weekend was a huge success as a bonding exercise.
It’s amazing what you can learn about your team-mates from a trip away such as this one. You learn things about one another that you wouldn’t normally have the time to find out during the regular training week. For example, I had no idea that Pat Fitzgerald had such an extensive matchbox car collection or that Kyle Weh’s voice could become so high-pitched whenever you caught him in an arm-bar hold during a spontaneous man-on-man wrestling bout in the hotel room. Similarly, none of us had any idea that Dazza had a long-lost ‘twin brother’ residing in Forster. Despite the time spent apart, it was amazing how alike the siblings turned out to be: the build, the voice, the sense of humour, the penchant for steak and kidney pies – it was just great to see.
After such an enjoyable week of training, playing and bonding, I know the boys are primed for a big week of training. The season is fast approaching. Bring on round one!
That’s me for another week. Until next time..... same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
You know you’ve had a good win when blokes that have never previously ventured up to the club after a match are suddenly shouting rounds of VB and fried chicken wings at the sports bar. This was the story on Friday night anyway, when Cameron Collenette was spotted for the first time in three seasons up at the Leagues Club after our gritty 16-10 trial match victory over local rivals Mounties.
It was great to see Cam back at the club at last but he obviously needs work on some of his navigational skills. I don’t know who was more surprised – Cam or the janitor – when the big utility mistook the fire escape for the urinal but we’ll let him off the hook this time.
The signs are looking good as the season approaches, with Friday night’s victory over one of the premiership favourites giving the boys a great deal of confidence heading into our final trial next weekend. While we are still working hard on our combinations, our defence continues to stand up when most needed. Despite the slippery conditions, we hung in there and perhaps even gained a bit of a psychological edge over our round one opponents.
Just prior to kick-off, Corey and Yatesy both spoke of the need for the forwards to lead from the front. With some of our young, talented backs on show, it was important that the older hardheads provided the go-forward for the pretty boys out wide to show their wares. It sounds crazy, but at 24, I am one of the more experienced guys in the squad at the moment and so I am more than aware of my obligation to the younger blokes as a leader at the club. Sadly, my leadership skills let down the youngsters when they needed it most: during a trip to Kings Cross the following night.
I’m not sure whether I took one too many head-knocks or not during the match the night before but the Rocheburger just ran out steam as he left the Cabramatta Bundy Red Cup season launch to venture into the city with a few of the lads. Ok, so I had been flat out all day – firstly entertaining a group of rather amorous young ladies in my role as a topless waiter at an 18th birthday party and then leading the way with mike and schooner glass in hand at the season launch – but falling asleep in the car on the way in to the city was just poor form.
I can’t help but think that young guns Kyle Weh, Josh Casey and Cameron Collenette were a little disappointed to see the author of Rochey’s Rant so visibly fatigued when he had been talking up his partying prowess for much of the week. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the three lads thought ‘old-timer’ Roche may be more a hindrance than ally – how else would you explain their mysterious disappearance from outside Soho nightclub when I was looking for someone to carry me into the club?
My memories of the entire evening were a little hazy in fact, and I’m sure the early start on the turps at the topless waiter gig didn’t help at all. Fully aware of the club’s proud history of community work, I took it upon myself to provide a free service to a young girl from Macquarie Fields that was on her way into town to celebrate her 18th birthday with friends. After convincing Matt Lamb and another team-mate to come along (who cannot be named due to fear of castration from his girlfriend), the Cabramatta trio provided drinks and then helped finish the drinks of 24 rowdy females wearing nothing but undies and bowties – us that is, not the females unfortunately. It looks like the team of Matt Lamb, James Roche and ‘Chocolate flavour’ may have found their true calling. Once again, Cabramatta Rugby League Club continues to lead the way in the field of community service.
Needless to say, I was feeling more than a little dusty by the time my interview with Geoff Gerard came around at the launch. Asking me all about the phenomenon that is Rochey’s Rant, Geoff and I had a pretty good chemistry up on stage and seemed to be a huge hit with the crowd. Even the Rochey’s Rant merchandise mug that I passed around the audience managed to come back with more than a few dollars inside it. I can only hope that Alfie managed to double my earnings when I sent him off a short while later to hit the pokies. If anyone catches the club stalwart driving around in a Corvette in the next couple of days, be sure to hit him up for a cabcharge from the city to Macquarie Fields for me. It’s the least he can do, really.
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That’s me for another week. Until next time …. same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
The things people will do to get a start in Rochey’s Rant …
If his brilliant individual try in the A Grade trial over the weekend wasn’t enough, Matt Casey pulled out all stops to ensure
he received a mention by reportedly downing a glass of milk post-match. Now I am all for players abstaining from alcohol if they
are that way inclined, but a glass of milk? I know that many of us are creatures of routine, so I can only assume that a regular
Saturday night at the Casey household involves a big glass of milk and some cookies for supper, followed by a Hardy Boys novel
and an early night. But when you’re celebrating a win on a Saturday night after a game and you reach for the Pura Lite Start,
you’re just opening yourself up to ridicule.
While there was some entertaining attacking footy played from both the A Grade and Bundy sides, it was the team’s attitude in
defence that proved the most pleasing aspect of the weekend’s trials against Emu Plains.
With a number of Bundy Red ‘regulars’ rested from action, there were a number of new combinations on display in the main game, and
the boys were really tested against a committed Emu Plains outfit. As you’d expect in a trial, there was plenty of dropped ball
and loose passes. While this led to our ultimate demise, coaches Ruttle and Yates would be more than pleased with some of the
defence on display, particularly from our men in the middle, led by ‘Bluey’ Fahy and Patty Fitzgerald. And would someone tell
‘Paki’ he’s a halfback? The nuggety number seven was axing men double his size! ‘Pistol’ Pete Mariani also provided some starch
off the bench, as did Andrew Hill.
‘Hilly’ has clearly made friends with the squat rack and lat pull-down over the off-season, leading to both a considerable increase
in size, and the nicknames ‘Quadzilla’ and ‘The Human Sightscreen.’ Achieving multiple nicknames so early in the season is a credit
to Andrew and even if he achieves nothing else from here on in, he can consider it a successful year.
‘Hilly’ was just one of the players to benefit from the new defensive strategy employed by our coaches this week under the guidance
of Jason Taylor. ‘JT’ came down to training on Thursday night and ran us through some drills aimed at keeping us ‘tight in the
middle.’ I have no doubt that the team will continue to benefit enormously throughout the season as a result of the pattern we are
putting in place at present.
I took the opportunity to personally thank JT over a feed at Mr Ko’s afterwards and even managed to plug the rant on a number of
occasions throughout the evening. It’s always good catching up with fellow St Gregory’s College alumni, and while we stopped short
of performing College war-cry ‘The Hoolipop’ together, I am sure that JT will be telling all his family and friends about Rochey’s
Rant, it’s associated facebook group and the magnificent feed at Mr Ko’s.
One man who was a notable absentee from the regular Thursday night feed at Mr Ko’s was everybody’s best friend, Chris Weaver.
‘Weaves’ has really been struggling with chafe of late, and the big man has been forced to train in nothing but his undies over
the last week. While many feel that it is his troublesome knee that may hold him back this year, it is actually the rubbing
together of his Christmas hams that will provide biggest obstacle this season for big ‘Weaves.’
With that lovely image in mind, I’m off for another week. Until next time …. same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
There’s nothing more disheartening for a man than to spend a large proportion of the evening pursuing a young lady, only for that lady’s significant other to make a surprise appearance and undo all their hard work. This seemed to be the theme of the evening on Saturday for yours truly when I was a last-minute call-up to Smally’s wedding.
Fair dinkum, the amount of time I spent chasing unattainable skirt over the weekend had me really questioning my approach. My lack of research into potential suitors (new singly and therefore most susceptible to my charms or long-term, well acquainted singles) was well and truly exposed. And yet they make it all look so easy in The Wedding Crashers!
This week’s Rochey’s Rant is starting to sound a little bit like a male-version of Sex-and-the-City so let’s focus on the subject of this week’s column: Jamie Small.
Lips that taste of tears, they say,
Are the best for kissing.
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I’m not sure how familiar Smally is with American Poet Dorothy Parker, but our skipper must have had this verse in mind as he stood at the altar on Saturday. The big fella was crying up an absolute storm and an emergency supply of towels had to be called upon to prevent him from drowning. The sight of the beautiful bride had all in attendance gushing and few could blame Smally for his reaction. I must admit, I also shed a tear or two. Admittedly, it was several hours later when the bar-tab had been cut off, but the fact remains: weddings are an emotional time for all involved.
It was honour to be on –hand at the Ceremony and Reception (the main course of beef was sublime by the way) to report for Rochey’s Rant and on behalf of the team and club, I wish the happy couple all the best well into the future.
On the field, I know the guys are primed for this week’s trial against Emu Plains. The boys from out west will prove a tough assignment but after weeks of training, we are more than ready to rip in. So to all the fans out there, be sure to come along to New Era Stadium this Saturday at 5pm.
That’s me for another week. Until next time …. same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
Well Rochey’s Rant is back for yet another week and while there was no match to report on over the weekend, we certainly enjoyed a productive week of training.
You know the footy season is well and truly underway when the tackle suits are brought out to training, the smell of freshly cut grass and linament fills the air and Chris Weaver’s upped his nightly intake of dim sums from 6 to 10. But let’s get back to the tackle suits for a moment.
Corey and Yatesy put us through a very physical session on Thursday, with each player throwing on the padded suits and ripping into each other with little thought of self preservation or Lamby’s brittle neck. With several positions for the new season still to be decided, pride was on the line and big hits were well and truly on the agenda. If we take this aggressive approach into the game, I will be certainly feeling sorry for our opponents this year. In particular, I can only imagine the pain and suffering big Weaves is sure to unleash this year. The big fella must have elbowed me in the face about 47 times throughout the session but all was forgotten when he was willing to share his dipping sauce with me at Mr Ko’s later that evening.
It was a bit disappointing to see Josh McIllvenny miss the session. But then again, when you consider that the youngster wear a headgear, mouthguard, shoulder pads, torpedoes, knee pads, chin guard, shin pads, ankle pads, back brace, protective specs, neck brace, sternum pad, torso wrap and then lathers himself four inches thick in Vaseline from head-to-toe before a footy match or contact session, it would have been nearly impossible to fit him into one of the tackle suits we were using.
I’ve got to say, I’ve been absolutely overwhelmed by the hype surrounding Rochey’s Rant in the past week. Granted, I’ve generated a lot of the hype myself, but it’s great to see so much support within the club for this exciting initiative. Looking to capitalise on the column’s success, one player even suggested combining the rant with a section for the ‘desperate and dateless.’ I certainly wouldn’t want to embarrass the individual involved with the suggestion so I am not going to mention any names. Except to say that he’s a twin. But we’ll leave it at that. And his name is Josh. But I really think that’s all I should say at this time.
One man who certainly isn’t desperate and dateless is our big captain, Jamie Small. BBB is set to wed his lovely fiancé Nikki this weekend and the club wishes them all the best. Smally isn’t getting any younger and let’s hope he remembers to stretch up before the evening’s more ‘strenuous’ activities.
That’s me for another week. Until next time …. same Roche-time, same Roche-channel. Peace.
“In life, you either need inspiration or desperation.” As I sat on the couch late Saturday night, eating a packet of Tim Tams and feeling sorry for myself after a disappointing day at the Nines, this Anthony Robbins quote certainly hit home. While I was actually waiting for an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger to begin, this infomercial seemed to sum up our day: we just didn’t have enough inspiration or desperation to do as well as we should have.
That being said, congratulations must go to the Paul Matthews-coached Cabramatta 2 side, who did exceptionally well in reaching the plate final. They played a top brand of footy and were fun to watch.
Although the Bundy Red side didn’t have the most successful of weekends in the Nines Tournament, there were some positives to take out of the competition. The clubs’ fans were treated to the sight of some new faces in action for the first time and with the prospect of further improvement, exciting times lay ahead for the club. Big Mason Pure looks set to be a handful this year, as does the elusive Blake Summons. While Alex Junior Lutu was a late withdrawal with injury, he is another new signing with plenty of size and skill that should get better as the season goes on. The Two Blues also welcome back backrowers Greg Fulmer and Andrew Hill from a four and one year lay-off respectively.
‘Hilly’ was lucky not to have had his leg cut off from coach Ruttle after a kick-gone-wrong in the first match, but bounced back with a try against Campbelltown 3. It was great to see the young man so happy after the four pointer, although the fist pump-athon and ‘lawnmower’ post-try celebration seemed a little excessive considering the opposition and stage of the match.
‘Gregor’ will also benefit from the hit-out and he must receive enormous credit for making a return after such a long break from the game. While it was a shame his one-man folk band never quite took off during his hiatus, it is great to see him back at the club doing what he does best: drinking schooners and eating Mr Ko’s.
The club is also lucky to have dynamic hookers Adam Bennett and Luke ‘Bluey’ Fahey in their ranks this year.
I didn’t know sunscreen went up to SPF 125+ but after seeing ‘Bluey’s’ face during our opening match, I could totally understand why he was calling out to the bench for assistance. Poor Luke made Ray Warren look like a porcelain doll by the end of the day and it came as no shock to me to find that he actually slops on the sunscreen during night matches!
Another new buy set to have a big year at the club is utility Kyle ‘Wingy’ Weh.
Kyle’s likeness to Craig Wing is set to cause a few problems during the year, with several female fans congregating at the back of the change rooms after our matches over the weekend to gain a glimpse of the ‘former NRL pin-up boy.’ I took it upon myself to break the news to the girls that there was no Craig Wing in our team and that they’d have to settle for Brad Pitt instead. Oddly enough, they couldn’t see the resemblance I share with him.
I’m not sure whether it was the presence of so many female fans around the dressing rooms or not, but I was amazed at the amount of time spent by new-boy Adam ‘Benno’ Bennett in the nude after our pool matches. Whilst we all enjoy a nude frolic from time to time after a tough match, remaining in the nud for two hours after an 18 minute game seems a bit excessive. This discerning fact, along with his questionable odour, makes it not hard to see why the bloke’s has had more clubs than Jack Nicklaus. That being said, we are a tolerant club and I am sure we’ll soon embrace ‘Benno’s’ unique habits.
I must say, it was great to catch up with Cabramatta favourite Sammy Aiga over the weekend, even if he was wearing the wrong colours. Our former fullback remains the king of cool, as evidenced by the pair of wrap-around sunnies I caught him sporting on the bench in the first half against us. It was also good fun tussling with him out on the field, although I was surprised to have come out of one tackle involving the big fella looking like a zebra. Turns out his Wenty jersey was painted on!
Finally, on behalf of the team, I’d like to congratulate Jamie Small on being elected team captain for the 2010 season. BBB (Big Bald Behemoth) is a player who leads from the front and you didn’t need to look far to see proof of this at Saturday’s Nines Tournament. While a hand injury kept the skipper out of on-field action, ‘Smally’ attacked the sausage sizzle stand with great gusto. You’d think the guy was already married, such was the reckless abandon in which he chomped down the sangas. It’s this willingness to punish his body at the drop of the hat, both on and off the field that has made his appointment as captain such a popular one.
*James Roche is a member of the Cabramatta Bundy Red Cup Rugby League Squad
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